Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

Prague

2010-08-04T17:07:00.002+02:00

Amsterdam

2010-07-11T19:33:00.001+02:00

Spain

2010-04-09T11:35:00.001+02:00

Brazil

2010-02-23T14:55:00.002+01:00

Rome

2009-12-14T16:31:00.002+01:00

Traditional Soundtrack of the Year

2009-12-09T10:04:00.001+01:00

1. Wire To Wire - Razorlight
2. Crack A Bottle – Eminem/Dr.Dre/50 Cent
3. Right Round – Flo Rida
4. Takin Back My Love – Ciara/E.I.
5. Poker Face – Lady Gaga
6. Love Sex Magic – Ciara/Justin T.
7. Return The Favor – Keri Hilson/Timbaland
8. Rich Girls – The Virgins
9. There’s A Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths (1986)
10.This Is It – Michael Jackson
11.Fire Burning – Sean Kingston
12.If A Song Could Get Me You – Marit Larsen
13.Run This Town – Jay-Z/Rihanna
14..Falling Down – Space Cowboy
15.I Kissed A Girl – Attack Attack!
16.Bodies – Robbie Williams
17.When Love Takes Over – David Guetta
18.Empire State Of Mind – Jay-Z/Alicia Keys
19.Monday Morning – Melanie Fiona
20.Tik Tok - Kesha

Athens

2009-11-18T21:39:00.002+01:00

Budapest

2009-09-20T15:32:00.002+02:00

London

2009-08-06T13:42:00.002+02:00

New York City

2009-07-23T18:30:00.002+02:00

London

2009-05-15T18:49:00.001+02:00

Asia Trip 09

2009-03-31T15:43:00.004+02:00

Hong Kong

Kuala Lumpur

Singapore

Dubai

Spain

2009-02-22T12:03:00.003+01:00

Madrid

Valencia

Berlin - Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T23:30:00.000+01:00

Soundtrack of 2008

2008-12-07T10:54:00.004+01:00

1. Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy

2. Superstar – Lupe Fiasco/Matthew Santos

3. Scream – Timbaland/Keri Hilson

4. Mr. Rock & Roll – Amy Macdonald

5. Don’t Stop The Music – Rihanna

6. We Made It – Linkin Park/Busta Rhymes

7. This Is The Life – Amy Macdonald

8. All Summer Long – Kid Rock

9. Love Song – Sara Bareilles

10.Another Day – Jamie Lidell

11.Stuttering – Ben’s Brother

12.Run The Show – Kat DeLuna/Busta Rhymes

13.Hero – Nas/Keri Hilson

14.Mein Freund – MIA.

15.Livin‘ In A World Without You – The Rasmus

16.Whatever You Like – T.I.

17.Gib Mir Sonne – Rosenstolz

18.Heartless – Kanye West

19.Forever May You Run – Gavin Rossdale

Lisbon

2008-11-21T18:54:00.003+01:00

Amsterdam

2008-10-20T12:02:00.000+02:00

Berlin

2008-09-14T16:25:00.002+02:00

Paris

2008-08-03T13:18:00.006+02:00

Eiffel Tower

Notre Dame

Centre Pompidou

Forum des Halles

Palais Royale

Louvre

Promenade Plantée

Jardin du Reuilly

Parc de la Villette

Fontaines de La Défense by Yacoov Agam: Probably the greatest fountain in all Europe

Rome

2008-06-13T21:28:00.003+02:00

Second Day Of My Life

2008-03-12T16:45:00.003+01:00

Starting my shift at 5.30 in the morning means taking a 20-minute-walk to the train station. Everything is quiet, everybody is sleeping but me. It's so soothing. I'm wandering through the empty streets while my thoughts are free.

Which is a rare thing these days.

I've been so busy the last few weeks. Crazy busy.

I'm a student again.

Nontheless working more than ever. I got new roommates. And of course dealing with all sorts of emotions and stuff.

I like being busy. I like my new school. I like what I'm doing. I like the people around me.

It's amazing how fast time goes by and how my life is getting better day by day.

Soundtrack of 2007

2007-12-14T15:43:00.000+01:00

This year was so different.

It wasn't so much about emotions than about thinking. Rational thinking.

It was about decisions. Big decisions. About changes. Big, big changes.

It's about long-term happiness. And getting healthy.

It's about the future.

This is the soundtrack of my year. It's incredible how many great songs came out. But once again remember: These are not necessarily the best ones, but the ones that bring back the most memories.

1. Fallen Leaves - Billy Talent
2. Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
3. Remember The Name - Fort Minor/Styles Of Beyond
4. Fairytale Gone Bad - Sunrise Avenue
5. Say It Right - Nelly Furtado
6. Grace Kelly - Mika
7. This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race - Fall Out Boy
8. Eure Kinder - Bushido/Chakuza
9. Umbrella - Rihanna
10.Lovestoned - Justin T.
11.Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston
12.Party Like A Rockstar - Shop Boys
13.The Way I Are - Timbaland/Keri Hilson
14.Summer Love - Justin T.
15.My Interpretation - Mika
16.Stronger - Kanye West
17.Amaranth - Nightwish
18.If You Were A Sailboat - Katie Melua
19.Rule The World - Take That

Alex's mommy

2007-12-07T17:03:00.000+01:00

I wouldn't say having a child is the purpose of life. But a child is definitely the purpose of one's life.

Don't worry I'm not getting a child, but sometimes I think it wouldn't be that disastrous. It would give my life, my doing a sense. I would know why I'm doing what I'm doing. It would help me focus. It would rule out all stupid thoughts about walking away and stuff.

I never had to deal with children. I don't know any. Now I'm meeting kids every day. And I'm even highly responsible for them.

I'm getting to like children. They're all so sweet and well-behaved. They're so young and already travelling alone. I'm really impressed sometimes. But they're so lucky too. All of them will soon be able to get stuff done single-handedly. At their age I was far away from taking the bus alone. And that wasn't in my best interest at all.

I don't recall many moments with children. Sometimes you just silently walk them to their parents. Sometimes they love to tell you everything about their trips, their lives.

I remember one very cute, extremely patient and well-behaved little girl. I had her name in my mind for a longer time, now I don't remember. It was something matching, like Nathalie, or Larissa, or Michelle... Some name I'd give my daughter. When I see a kid like her, I really admire their parents. It's not the children that I don't like, it's parents who show no interest in educating, and therefor no interest in their children alltogether, that I can't stand. I mean seeing parents jaywalking with little girls or boys by the hand makes me wanna scream.

Her mom was a very classy woman. I could see that her daughter's manners are important to her.

Then of course I remember Alex. He was sitting alone in the passenger's waiting room/our office. I was the only one in there with my superior when we heard him crying. He was about six years old. Coming from Macedonia, going to Nice.

My superior told me to go see after him. Well, this was something new. Never done this before. I had no idea what to say or do.

So I sat down next to him and asked what's the matter. He wanted to see his mommy. I had no informations about the background of this boy. No clue if he'd just been coming from her or if he was on his way to her. I just took a chance and told him he's gonna see his mommy soon and that she's certainly already waiting for him and things like that. Surprisingly that calmed him down a bit. He started telling me about him, about what he was doing in his holidays in Macedonia. I asked some questions and he didn't cry that much anymore. Whatever I was doing, it worked.

We have some toys in the waiting room for the kids, so finally I asked him if he'd like to play something. He declined. So I suggested drawing a picture together. Drawing a picture for his mommy. He liked that. I gave him paper and crayons and we started the picture together. He wasn't sad at all anymore.

I made a child stop crying. And it wasn't that horrible. And the present superior praised me and even mentioned to my boss how well I did.

I had to leave Alex then, had to go to an inbound flight for my next assignment. The boy promised me to greet his mommy from me.

When I returned to the office from the assignment, he was gone.

That was a strange feeling. I don't know how long I talked to him, maybe 15 minutes, it probably just seemed that long and was much less. But it certainly was the longest I ever dedicated myself to a child.

I guess it doesn't have to be a child. You can find purpose in life elsewhere. But you cannot find it alone. Meaning of life is someone else. What's the point in living, in earning money, in staying... if there's no one you can spend it with/for.. money and time ...life.

A Friend Or Your Friend?

2007-11-16T15:28:00.000+01:00

This is gonna be one more boring post, but it's important to me to remember this soccer season. I was playing rarely this year, though. I only played two games in the university league this spring because of an injury. But these two games were probably the best ones I ever showed in a real competition. We won both of them 5-1. And in both games I scored the second and the third goal. Important goals. And beautiful ones.

In the first game I got the ball on the left side, ran along the sideline, without looking for any of my teammates dribbled around two or three opposing players heading towards the middle, eyes always on the ball, one look at the goal and without thinking and without leaving the keeper any chance, put it in the bottom left corner of the goal.

Wow, the ball is sticking on your feet like glue, was all my teammates could say.

The second goal was simpler. One-on-one with the keeper. With the outside of the boot to the bottom right corner.

Unfortunately later in the same game I hurt my ankle which prevented me from playing in the following several weeks. The ankle was extremely swollen for weeks. It was the severest injury I've ever got doing sports.

I've really been lucky with my physical health so far. Speaking of health, though, years too late, but still, I got a professional diagnosis concerning my mental health or better my mental illness now. Well, it's not fatal, but I'll probably have some more time of dancing with tears in my eyes ahead. But in the same time my chances of winning the Pulitzer Prize are increasing too, I guess.

Anyway I enjoy playing soccer. And finally I could play again. Seconds before scoring my first goal in the second game I intercepted a pass from an oponent's defender in the center of the field. He was the rearmost player of his team so I rushed alone over half the field towards their keeper. He too stormed out towards me. Feet in front he slided into me. Trying to tackle me or breaking both my legs, I don't know. I however, moments before evaded to the left with the ball still on my foot, leaving him on the ground watching me running towards the now open goal. In the meantime the one defender was back, standing now between the posts. But he couldn't do anything against my cold-blooded shot in the near corner.

My second goal was even better. One of my teammates made a corner kick from the right. I was standing at the left corner of the penalty area. The ball came exactly to me. I pefectly took it from the air with my right foot. I could have tried to shoot directly even though, because it was a corner kick-situation there were many players between me and the goal. Instead I headed along the penalty area towards the middle and over it, dribbling around oponents looking for a gap. And I found it. The ball flew diagonally through all the people into the bottom left corner of the goal.

It's hard to put it in words but this was probably my greatest goal in a competition game. Everybody was amazed by my skills and courage.

A Few Little Words

2007-10-21T20:29:00.000+02:00

I like working with Finnair and Finnish passengers. I know what to talk to them and they're always surprised that I've been to so many places in their country.

This one morning I was assigned to assist an elderly Finnish man coming from Helsinki who didn't need a wheelchair but was unexperienced with flying alltogether.

On my question if he speaks English he told me: Only a few little words.

My Finnish of course is poor. I understood that he was gonnna visit his daughter who lived in Dallas. So we had to get to the American Airlines flight to this destination.

Because of their interview procedure, nobody really likes that airline.

Over the time you get to know, and therefor like or dislike, every airline pretty well. There are several airlines which are very unpopular among the ground staff. But everyone has his own preferences.

So like I said, I like Finnair, and on this day I got to like American Airlines, too.

The first time I saw her was at the security check. She didn't struck me as extremely beautiful in that moment, to be honest. I smiled shyly at her as I always do. She smiled back as they always do.

The staff has to do the security too. She continued her way and I took care of the old Finnish guy whose poor English skills just moments later would make me get to know her much better. Right then however I wasn't further thinking about her.

With elderly people the security check always takes a long time. Finally done, we proceeded to the already mentioned AA-specific interview procedure.

Guess who was standing behind one of the movable little desks?

Obviously I dragged the poor old man to her counter. She asked him if he speaks any English.

Only a few little words.

They tried to communicate. The well-known questions. Who packed your suitcase? Was there a weapon in the luggage?

Now I had time to recognize her beautiful face, her sweet, sweet smile, her shiny dark brown hair.

She talked to him but he just didn't understand. So she called another lady who knew Finnish. Now this lady asked him the said questions. And it was so funny because he was speaking like a book in his mother tongue.

Me and the AA-Girl stood besides them and mad fun of this. Guessing what he might tell her. We had a nice little chat.

You meet a lot of people at the airport. But there's so many that you never know when/if you're gonna see them again. So you have to make sure that there is any kind of possibility for the story to continue...

In every case working is easier the more friends you have. And it can be very useful too.

Anyway, my gut feeling was right, my passenger wasn't carrying a bomb in his baggage and he could resume his journey to his daughter.

And now while my co-workers only sniffishly go to AA, I'm always smiling on my way there.

Shakespearian

2007-10-14T11:15:00.000+02:00

I just... I don't know.... I just.. look... I think that a relationship should be more than just the physical stuff... like... I mean, dont get me wrong... that stuff is important, but when I'm with someone, I wanna be able to talk about other stuff.. like... i dont know, serious stuff. Stuff I can't talk about.. you know... anyone else.

Great Strategy

2007-09-30T13:43:00.000+02:00

I'm in the army for the next four weeks.

Attacking and defending.

London, Baby!

2007-09-07T14:27:00.000+02:00

Artist

2007-08-26T03:27:00.000+02:00

Los Angeles is a very strange town. I guess it must be very hard to move there from anywhere.

One time only I was afraid that a passenger would hurt himself under my supervision. You have to be very careful with these old people who have difficulties to walk. You can't have anybody fall to the floor or something.

But this one passenger, she was not only old, but she was tipsy, too.

Do you know what home means?, she asked me, finally sitting safely on the little electric car we use to drive inside the terminals, after she had almost fallen several times on the short way from the plane to the vehicle.

Do you know what it means to be away from home all the time?

I guess not, but I haven't really felt at home anywhere so far either... And anyway my concerns were more about preventing her from breaking her neck than about my feelings towards my home...

She was on her way from her hometown Vienna to Los Angeles where she lives. Some thirty years ago her husband wanted to move there. And she followed. Now she hates it there. And probably hates her husband too for it. It seemed right then she already missed whoever she left in Vienna more than she missed her husband.

I don't know what home means. I've often been thinking about this question. Is home where you were born, grew up, where you know everything or is it where you feel good, feel at ease? Or is it completely depending on the people around you? Is home where you know and are known by lots of people or is it where there are people you feel good with?

I think I could feel at home anywhere being with someone I'm truely in love with. But I could imagine that priorities can shift when you're getting older.

Almost in tears she told me never to emigrate.

I couldn't promise her. Right now I really don't think about going away anymore, though. I think about going away and seeing many new places, but always coming back in between.

Coming home...(?)

I didn't know what Los Angeles is like the time I met the Austrian lady. Now I understand.

Being young, however, living there can be exciting. I like L.A. It has a stylish, classy vibe. Somehow inspiring.

Maybe the combined feelings of excitement and melancholy is creating this artistic environment...

To create good art your mind has to be as free as possible, but good art comes often from dark feelings. The old lady would probably be an excellent artist. She should draw or write or...

Good art creates emotions. And thoughts.

Every now and then I think about writing poetry.

I don't think I could prompt emotions by writing poetry, though.

And bad poetry is embarassing...

I know some of my texts are bad. But they're not embarassing. They're just... well... bad.

Of course I wanna tell you a story. I might wanna conserve a memory for myself. Bad texts do that too. But most of all my approach is artistic. I don't want to just give facts. I wanna create emotions. And I know I can.

My life inspires me. My mind is free. For once only the dark feelings are missing...

About to get to the plane that would bring her even further away from home, the sad lady insisted on walking the last few meters through the jetway bridge.

I was certain that wasn't gonna happen.

She was very kind and friendly. I think she was glad to talk to somebody.

I should have told her to try writing poetry.

L.A. and San Diego

2007-08-15T16:35:00.000+02:00

Los Angeles

San Diego

Tijuana, Mexico

This was my trip in pictures.

The Wild West

2007-08-13T14:16:00.000+02:00

Driving through the deserts of Utah and Arizona was spectacular. This endless nothing was something we've never seen before. Sometimes standing on a mountain seeing no house in every direction we just couldn't believe the incredible vastness of this country. As well as the incredible beauty and variety of the landscape.

Bryce Canyon

Utah

Natural Bridges National Park

This is incredible

Monument Valley

Grand Canyon

Next: Southern California

From San Francisco To Las Vegas

2007-08-11T12:16:00.000+02:00

San Francisco surprised us the most. An extremely beautiful city.

But San Francisco was really about getting to know and like Taiwan a lot.
If you understand...

Yosemite National Park

Death Valley

Las Vegas

Next stop: Grand Canyon

New York

2007-08-09T12:07:00.000+02:00

There are no words to describe New York:

San Diego - Zurich

2007-08-07T19:00:00.000+02:00

I'm back. We had a fantastic time in the States.

Now I'm home again.

For the first time in my life I was looking forward to coming home, to resuming my regular life. That's just as fantastic.

Pictures coming soon.

Road Trip III 07: America

2007-07-09T09:15:00.000+02:00

Finally I'm going on a holiday again. A great adventure is awaiting me. Me and my friend M are profiting for the first time from the cheap tickets my company offers me and are flying to the States. First stop of course: New York City. Had to be. But that's just the prelude to the actual trip. After a few days in New York we're flying to San Francisco where we're going to rent a car and drive southwards through National Parks, Las Vegas, Canyons and Los Angeles to San Diego.

I'll be back with stories and pictures.

Edward Norton

2007-07-06T11:11:00.000+02:00

When you're getting an assignment you're getting data about the passenger. You're checking the system and you're getting some more data. This gives you an idea of what could expect you. But actually you cannot expect anything. Every assignment is different than the previous because every person is different. And every assignment is a person.

When I was waiting at the door of the plane coming from Geneva or Brussels or some other important city, I knew this passenger would need a wheelchair to get to the Singapore-flight. I didn't know he would be the probably most interesting customer I had so far.

He was a typical asian businessman. Thin, black hair. He had his ankle broken. He was very talkative.

He told me right away that I would look exactly like a famous actor. But he couldn't remember his name. He was thinking. We were riding on the bus to get to the other terminal. He tried to tell me who he was meaning. I guess he wasn't good with names alltogether.

He knew the movies, but not a single actor's name.

He tried to make a connection from other movies to this actor. He asked me who was in Meet The Parents because apparently Ben Stiller was playing together with my lookalike in some movie...

He knew the lead actor in Pretty Woman made a movie together with him playing a lawyer in a murder case... I could name him all these actors but I still was clueless about the one we were trying to find.

But it was a funny conversation. He was a good talker.

So we dropped the case so far. Talked about different stuff. I said hello to some Gate-girl crossing our way. He wondered why she didn't say hi back. She never does. Some people... they just... But that's the cool thing.There's so many different types of personalities. You meet new interesting people every day. All kinds of people are working at the airport. Actually no, that's not true. It's not a cliché. Most of them are gay men and beautiful girls. Perfect combination. It's like a huge flirting playground.

The girls working at the gates are the ones outside our division we're encountering the most. Most of them are very nice. Some are more arrogant...

Talking about co-workers I often mean them. They're working for the same company, they're job title is the same as mine, they just do something else. Actually I intend to do that work too at some point in the future.

(Before becoming their manager.)

Anyway. We're coming to his gate and he's like We have to know who this actor is now. So he takes his phone and dials a number. Really. Probably calling to Singapore. I don't know who solved the mystery in the end.

Giving me his boarding card, he told me there are seven persons in the world that look almost alike. With that he entered the plane and disappeared.

I confidently smiled at the Gate-girl... And headed for my next assignment.

First Day Of My Life

2007-07-02T11:53:00.000+02:00

So what did I do this year?

I found a passion and I found a home.

I've carried on with my plan.

I'm still working at the airport. I love it. Never in my life I truely liked what I was doing. Now I do. I love going to work. I love what I'm doing. And I will for a long time.

Last fall for two months I handed out flyers and informed passengers about the security regulations. I helped them getting through security control without any problems. It was a lousy job, but already that I liked a lot. Partly because it was my first real job. But the front-line-work, the interaction with the passengers was really something I liked doing. I literally talked to thousands of people. Passengers. But I also truely met some very nice people. Co-workers.

After that project came to an end, I immediately got a new job with another airport-based company. A cooler, more interesting and much better-paid one.

A real job. A job with a name. And benefits: Huge discounts on airline-tickets.

I love the airport-atmosphere so much. I'm every day newly excited to go there.

What I'm doing now is strictly helping. I'm mainly doing Passenger Assistance at the moment. That means help children and elderly people, or just everyone who needs a wheelchair or any assistance, getting from and to the planes. It's an extremely full-filling work.

And I'm wearing suit and tie every day.

You experience so much. You get to know all areas of the airport, so many different co-workers. And of course you hear so many stories of the passengers you spend a considerable amount of time with.

These stories, mine and theirs, will make great posts. And I do plan on sharing them with you.

I will tell you about how Air Canada ruined its reputation for all our lives, about poor little Alex waiting to fly home to his mommy, about how I met the sweetest, most beautiful girl working at the airport, about the drunken lady who hated to go home to her husband ...and lots more.

Of course I'll also tell you how I got the greatest apartment with the best (girl) roommates ever...

Recapitulation

2006-12-30T13:30:00.000+01:00

The year isn't ending as I expected it to.

It is ending worse, more disappointing than I hoped and expected for a certain time. But it is ending far better than I expected and could hope for a much longer time of the year.

It's not ending on the peak level, but it is still ending better than it started.

I've grown so much this year. I've done so much. I've changed so much. And only to the better, in my opinion.

I have so many plans for next year. I'm going to become an even better, more hopeful person. I'm willing to do everything to become happy.

I know exactly what makes me happy now. That's probably the biggest achievement of the year. I know where I have to go. Where I want to go. And I'm going there, no matter what.

I'm focused and I'm not gonna lose time. I want myself to take action all the time. I want things to be happening now.

One year ago I wanted that too. But now I am taking action. Things are happening right now.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T03:48:00.000+01:00

I was at a party yesterday where they played Dancing With Tears In My Eyes.

Flames To Dust

2006-12-15T10:22:00.000+01:00

I'm not walking away. I'm fighting.

I don't feel like I have to get away. I have not been on a holiday since March, but I'm fine. In earlier times I often used to feel the urge to go somewhere far away. Now I don't. I don't feel bad. I'm good.

I'm not hiding. I keep walking. Walking with my head up.

I'm not doing much shopping either. I'm a different person now than I was months ago. I'm not thinking. I'm doing. The end is not reached. There's much more to come.

In Christmas time, strolling through the city is really wonderful. It's really just window shopping, though, when I'm not buying stuff for myself. I don't know, maybe sometimes I come across as a rather taking person. Especially in this Blog that is concerned all about my personal well-being. In reality I really am a very giving person. The only problem is that I have nobody to give to. I walk up and down shopping streets and on every corner I think Oh, that's so beautiful, I would buy that for this or that person if he/she existed...

I truely like making presents, I like giving. I like giving to people I care about. And certainly not only in the material sense. When I can make them happy, I am happy. That's the truth. It gives me back so much...

There are just extremely few people I really care about. But for them I'd do anything.

Caring is really the most important thing in any relationship. In a relationship. Caring, giving, being there for each other. Love.

All the rest is up to discussion and compromises.

If there's an us/we-feeling, nothing should be able to interfere.

Discussion and compromises. Because you won't find a person that is just like in your dreams.

Well, I was very close. And let it slip through my fingers...

I was just giving. My heart, my most valuable possesion, gave it for free...

That might have been the mistake, but I don't regret it one bit.

Everyone wants somebody who cares and gives. And that's me.

When I find somebody I care about, I'm committed wholeheartly. I'm the guy who respects her as much as he loves her. Who listens to what she's saying. Who stays awake just to see her sleep. Who thinks she's just as beautiful without make-up on. Who never found her prettier than right after getting up in the morning. Who holds her hand in front of his friends. Who constantly reminds her how lucky he is to have her. Who will always find a way to make her happy. Who will never let anything happen to her. Who only wants the best for her. Who is there whenever she needs him. Who cares.

I'm the one who puts her at the center of his universe even though he's not at the center of hers...

You gotta find somebody like that.

That's not all it takes, I know.

I need to be more bad-boy-like. Especially at first sight. My main qualities are visible only at second sight, that's my problem, and then at third sight they're not enough anymore.

And I am. I'm gonna save her from whatever she needs to be saved from.

Anyway, the world is turning around me right now. New opportunities everywhere. I'm doing fine. I'm busy. I like my job. I enjoy going to the university. Going out.

I think about the future. And the present. I'm learning from the past, I'm storing good memories in my heart, and I am trusting in the things to come.

I'm not standing still. There's always some point to go.

Soundtrack of 2006

2006-11-26T13:02:00.000+01:00

What an incredible year!

Incredibly emotional. Incredibly wonderful. Incredibly eventful. Incredibly beautiful. Incredibly sad.

Magical. Unforgettable.

Unbelievably emotional.

Devastating. Unbearably sad.

I will never be able to listen to this CD.

1. Wenn es passiert - Wir Sind Helden
2. Nine Million Bicycles - Katie Melua
3. Window Shopper - 50 Cent
4. Les frères existent encore - K-Maro
5. La boulette - Diam's
6. Song To Say Goodbye - Placebo
7. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
8. Stop! Dimentica - Tiziano Ferro
9. Dying In Your Arms - Trivium
10.Promise Me - Beverly Craven (1990)
11.Closest Thing To Crazy - Katie Melua (2003)
12.Avalon - Lovebugs/Lene Marlin
13.Labios Compartidos - Maná
14.I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic! At The Disco
15.Eres Mi Religion - Maná (2002)
16.Moments - Westlife (1999)
17.Dieses Leben - Juli
18.It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Meat Loaf
19.Das Beste - Silbermond
20.Through Glass - Stone Sour

T.O.

2006-11-10T19:50:00.000+01:00

So much for the stability.

Mission Accomplished

2006-10-29T11:32:00.000+01:00

I got a job. At the airport.

That means I've reached the final aims of all three points within half a year.

And it's true, my life is far better now than half a year ago.

For every point I set myself minimal goals and reached maximal ones.

You remember:

I wanted to play soccer in a competition.
Finally I played successfully in the university league.

I wanted to go on a date.
Finally I met this girl who has never been just a part of some self-help-plan as had the others, but has become the most important person in my life.

Then I wanted to go on a job interview.
Now I finally even got a job.

It is easy. I'll have to stand at the check-ins or elsewhere at the airport and inform the passengers about the new security restrictions concerning liquids. But hey, I got a job! I will like it. I have to be around lots of people, talk to lots of people. It will be a good way to improve my social skills.

Maybe it will provide good material for this Blog.

Has this been the most successful half year of my life? I even kinda like going to the university now...

Of course I was very lucky too.

But what I learned most is that goals are extremely important. Short term goals and long term goals. You have to know where you wanna go. It's not enough to know that you don't wanna be where you are, you have to know where you wanna go and how you wanna get there... And then, go.

I more than reached my goals now. I need new ones:

Now I need to concentrate on my studies. I absolutely want and have to pass the exams. I will study the books and repeat for every lesson.

Else I finally want some stability in my life. I want it to stay more or less the way it is now.

Because I like it.

Phoenix

2006-10-24T12:39:00.000+02:00

University life resumed today. I can't believe I'm going there again. Don't really know if I mean this in a positive or negative way...

The first day was okay. It actually was... well, no, it was okay. I think I will just force myself into liking it.

I do not like it better. Not yet. But I do like my life better now than one year ago.

I will be successful. I will be fighting.

However, liking my life outside of the university is important and helpful, but it can't be all. The university is a major part of my life, I have to get to like it.

And even though in general I feel good now, I'm aware that at some point there are going to be worse times again, confidence-destroying times.

I have to find a way.

Maybe I'm being tested again, and that is good. I won't fail again. I will be fighting. I have to keep fighting. It's worth it.

This is my task now.

Success is my only motherf*cking option. Failure’s not.

...in every part of my life.

Learned The Lesson

2006-09-25T13:11:00.000+02:00

Everything will be fine now. I passed the one re-exam that I took.

For about a month before the exam I felt so confident that my life will finally be how I always wanted it to be. Just getting up in the morning and knowing it will be a nice day.

I went to the exam with no doubt that I would pass it. I left the examination room with every doubt I could have had.

I lived ten days in agony until I got the confirmation that I passed it. That I will stay at the university. That I will be able to go on with my plans. Not passing that exam could have destroyed everything I gained in the last months.

I have to admit that I lost focus on the essential. Everything that I did this year was very important and it was successful and without it I wouldn't even have taken that re-exam, but staying at the university, getting a good education is essential.

Unfortunately I've got to live till 80, not only 30. I had ten days to think about that. I realized it would be a disaster getting kicked out of the university because I have to get a good education and economics is what I like doing.

Once you're happy, once you like the life you're living you have so much to lose. It's incredible. I went to Locarno for some days to prepare for the exam. It was the first time ever I kept my mind on driving safely.

In any case I learned the lesson. I will work hard now. I want to be successful again. I want people to be proud of me. I wanna be proud of myself. I have no doubt that I will be successful. That's the essential. That's the new point.

Getting some stability into my life.

Today is the day I see the results of what I did the last two years. Professionally I might not be much further than two years ago. But I am happy. I had to go on all these detours to now ultimately having a promising future.

It was not my fault I did not feel well all this time, but it was my task to get better. And that I mastered.

Today I'm getting up in the morning and I'm sure it will be a great day.

Been Waiting For A Girl Like You

2006-09-01T11:21:00.000+02:00

I found happiness.

Maybe it was karma, maybe His will, probably just plain luck.

It's been two months now, and these were two magical months.

I have not been blogging about it much. In a way it's sad not having recordings of everything we did, but on the other hand this is too personal and important to me and I really have no intention to discuss our relationship this publicly.

All these great memories are anyway unforgettable.

Risky Business Part II

2006-08-17T13:06:00.000+02:00

I did a lot of thinking lately. And I mean a lot.

And I told my parents that I basically failed again.

Now we know the reason why I didn't succeed last year wasn't that I'm stupid, it wasn't even because I hate the university. I like economics and I could do it easily. I just couldn't stand what my life had become.

Actually there's nothing I wish more than leading an average, happy life as a student.

I still have another chance. By repeating the failed classes.

I barely slept during the last nights. I was thinking. And I think I figured it out. I figured out what to do. For now.

Above all:

She is the most important. She is who is holding everything together. Without her all plans are worthless. There would be no point in anything. I'm in love.

As important, or rather more important than me being happy is her being happy.

I guess I will take my last chance. I will most probably repeat the classes. I do wanna be a student. I needed time to get over what maybe had happened years ago. I took up the reins. I think I majored my little crisis. I'm feeling like I soon could be happy and thus finally succeed in something again. In professional and personal areas.

Of course I will go to that day at the airport. And if surprisingly I will get the job or any other, that'd be even better. Getting a job is still a major goal. Because I know exactly what would make me feeling much better. Moving out.

I need to move out or get along better with my parents. Moving out however doesn't seem to be a possibility very soon, so I have to realize that it is a fact that I'm living with them. I mean I do get along with them, I don't really know what had to change...
The main problem is what happened earlier. I can't help it, but the happier I get outside the house, the more I hate them for having it made so hard for me.

On the other hand that's the past. Holding a grudge is of absolutely no use for me. I think I can try to be a good son to them. They made a lot of mistakes, but I truely believe that they always wanted the best for me. I have to change.

My main fault in this whole story is that I've been letting the bad things happen.

They love me. I criticize my dad often for being so passive and not being my male role model. But I couldn't believe his reaction on the situation now. He heard it from my mom before dinner and when we sat there, he was just like: You're my son. I love you. I'm gonna stand behind you whatever you will do in your life.

I mean he is practically working his ass off for me being able to live that financially more than average life... Even though it partly is also his fault I'm not really getting anywhere right now, I could have totally understood if he'd be pissed.

I feel embarrassed for not achieving anything. But I think I passed the turning point. Years go by so fast. If I keep going on this road I'll soon have some degree. Only to go to the next school for a higher degree of course.

Maybe at some point years from now I get to shepherd sheep in New Zealand. Sitting on a porch watching the sunset. With a girl. With a good friend. Or alone.

As Already Announced

2006-08-11T13:18:00.000+02:00

Since March, when I decided to take more risks in my life, it continually got better. Kinda like when I took the risk to go to Lugano. Both times however, my success at the university went downhill. Is this a sign that the studies won't make me happy?

I applied for a job as a Flight Attendant for Swiss Air Lines. They invited me for an assessment day in october. Getting that job would be a dream. But it's still a long way there. I think many, many are invited to that day. If I got that job, I'd have no difficulty to chose between that and the university.

The problem is, the re-exams are before that day. Besides that I absolutely don't wanna go back there, the problem, as I found out lately, is, that I have to pass all re-exams, otherwise I'm being kicked out for all time and never be able to study economics in Switzerland again. Not that I feel like it now, but maybe five years from now. It would be stupid to ruin that now, only to please my parents.

It is a risk to put all my hope on the Swiss deal. But it is worth trying. It would make me happy. I don't think there would be a better-fitting job for me. It's like truck driver... Bit more challenging.

If I won't get it, as I suppose... Even though I'm not a total job-interview-newbie anymore and I'm more confident and happy with my life and I have the woman that, as it's said, stands behind every successful man..., I'll get another job. That's the three-point-plan's missing point. It's a crucial one because it would give me more independence. Which would make my life much, much better.

I still could go on the round-the-world-trip as I actually had planned. Thanks to my grandma I'd have the basic capital. But obviously I don't feel like going too far away anymore...

I can't imagine how life would be without my girl. That is what I meant by saying everything turns out how it's supposed to. My life is basically crashing into pieces. The road I was expected to take and was supposed to lead me into a bright future comes to an end.

But then out of nowhere, there she was. She was too late to save my old life, but I guess that, too, was meant to be that way. But she makes my life look brighter than ever.

I just have to go where I will be happy. I'm now halfways through the best years of my life and mostly wasted them. It can't go on like that.

Sorry

2006-08-02T13:51:00.000+02:00

I'm petty happy right now. There would be so much to write about. This should have been the moment where this Blog becomes really interesting...

I'm actually very excited about what turns my life will take in the next months. It's not entirely in my hands anymore... I can just give my best possible and wait...

In any way, eventhough I have not always been extremly happy about how my life evolved, I think everything happens for a reason and in the end turns out how it is meant to...

Stay tuned to see what happens next...

Holidays!

2006-07-20T22:50:00.000+02:00

The exams are over. I blew it. Whatever...

I change my opinion on if I even want to pass them daily now...

I will totally give my best to pass the re-exams in September. And I mean it. But I think I can't lose anyhow...

If I pass them, what I assume, and be promoted to the next level, which is the goal, it's okay. I will go on, at home everything will be as superficially fine as it is now. My future seems saved.
The big motivation is that in fall my girl will start studying at the university (as well as my friend A who finally will be an university-student, too). And I really want to be there with them.

If I don't make it. That'd be, well, even better. Except for the drama at home. I wouldn't have to go back to the damn uni. (But still I'm technically not kicked out, I can resume the studies by repeating the failed classes everytime I want). I would continue concentrating on getting happier. Which worked out extremely good in the last months and even better in the last weeks... I would travel the world and maybe finally writing a/the book while doing that.

Like the protagonist in J.v.Eichendorff's Aus dem Leben eines Taugenichts (Engl.: Life of a Good-For-Nothing). With whom people compared me some times. Not because I'm a good-for-nothing, but because I'm a classical 19th century romanticist: You know the hills theory where you stand on a hill and see all these hills around you that seem so much more beautiful, so you go from hill to hill and everytime you stand on a hill all the other hills, including the one you come from, seem so much more beautiful. That's me.

World Cup wrap-up

2006-07-10T18:45:00.000+02:00

Now, the expectations were much higher than the actual result. The matches were not spectacular. Few games will be remembered for a longer time. What will be remembered is what was going on besides the actual games. At least here in Switzerland where we have not seen such collective enthusiasm for a long time.

Nontheless I've tried to find the highlights of this year's World Cup:

My All-Star-Team

Goal-tender:
Pascal Zuberbühler - Switzerland.
I'm serious. The only goalie who didn't get a goal against him.

Defense:
Roberto Ayala - Argentina.
Very good.

Fabio Cannavaro - Italy.
Doubtlessly the best defense player in the World Cup.

Philippe Senderos - Switzerland.
Head of the Swiss defense which was without goal against in four matches.

Midfield:
Frank Ribéry - France.
One of the few young ones in the French team. Played exceptionally well for that he only played three times in the national team before the World Cup.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Portugal.
The future of Portugal.

Andrea Pirlo - Italy.
Stepped out of Totti and Del Piero's shadows.

Maxi Rodriguez - Argentina.
Probably the most underestimated player in the World Cup.

Gianluca Zambrotta - Italy.
Played not spectacular, but was very important for Italy.

Offense:
Carlos Tevez - Argentina.
Technically perfect.

Fernando Torres - Spain.
Very good.

Substitutes:
Goal: Buffon - Italy.
Defense: Sorin - Argentina. Lahm - Germany.
Midfield: Mascherano - Argentina. Bakary Kone - Ivory Coast. Barnetta - Switzerland. Perrotta - Italy. Zidane - France (before the finale he would have been in the Top 11).
Offense: Henry - France. Robben - The Netherlands.

Best Coach: Marcello Lippi - Italy. Finally an italian coach would plays offensive. With their former coach Trapattoni the Italians would have lost against Germany.

Greatest goals:
There have been some fantastic goals:

10. Tranquillo Barnetta: 2-0 SUI-TOG
9. Bakary Kone: 1-2 CIV-NED
8. David Beckham: 1-0 ENG-ECU
7. Tomas Rosicky: 2-0/3-0 CZE-USA
6. Zinedine Zidane: 3-1 FRA-SPA
5. Maxi Rodriguez: 2-1 ARG-MEX
4. Fabio Grosso: 1-0 ITA-GER
3. Carlos Tevez: 5-0 ARG-SCG
2. Esteban Cambiasso: 2-0 ARG-SCG
1. Thierry Henry: 1-0 FRA-BRA

And the best games overall:
(very subjective choice!)

10. Argentina-Ivory Coast: one of the better games
9. Japan-Brazil: Best Brazil-performance, best Japan-performance
8. Italy-USA: Saw that with a friend of mine's italian family
7. Portugal-The Netherlands: The scandal, but in a way entertaining
6. Brazil-France: Must have been a good match, saw only the last minutes, but very nice memories
5b. Switzerland-Togo
5a. Switzerland-Republic of Korea: both with partying in the streets afterwards
4. Sweden-Paraguay: already told you about that, saw it with friends
3. France-Spain: saw this one alone, but probably the most entertainig game of the whole World Cup
2. Germany-Italy: Very good memories to that evening, right team won
1. Switzerland-Ukraine: Also the saddest match, but two hours of a lot of fun before

That's my thoughts about the whole thing... Now get ready for EURO 2008 in Switzerland!!

And today my exams started. One's over, four to go. In ten days I'm in holidays... Can't wait for it...

Forza Italia

2006-07-05T19:55:00.000+02:00

My reasoning for keeping this Blog away from Swiss readers might have been absolutely wrong. Of course some of them would have laughed about it/me, but the others would have been people who are like me. Who experience the same as me. Who think like me. People who wouldn't get on my nerves as much as the ones I deal with normally.

This Blog is the best dating-profile I could ever have. Okay, not really, but anyway, now I don't need one anymore.

Actually I didn't want to keep it away from Swiss people, just from people I know...

Last weekend was the annual town festival. Probably the best one ever. On Sunday working in our ticinese Bar is always fun, feeling the vibe from the South.

And Saturday night was just a fairy tale.

It's incredible how my life changed in the last few months. For a big part of this I have to thank my (best) friend A and our talk on New Year's Eve when he told me about his goals and decisive acting to reach them. I often think about this conversation recently.

I think goals and a real plan how to reach them is very important in life. I had few plans in my life. Maybe because too many people planned my life for me.

Forming these three points that would make me happier was so useful.

Tomorrow I'm having another job interview for a job I probably won't accept anyway, but I'm still going for practice. Fucking Starbucks sent me my dossier back. So much for the good recommendation I was promised. Fucking liars.

Next weekend I'm playing soccer in a little tournament. People asked me to come help their team. I'm getting so popular these days...

The only bad thing is that I might get kicked out from the university. Exams start on Monday and I think I'm even less prepared than in February. I hope I'm a bit lucky now as I always were in these things ...and then I'm going to really study for the re-examination in September.

But now that I got very lucky in other parts of my life, maybe the luck just shifted...

Virtuality Meets Reality

2006-06-30T09:13:00.000+02:00

The line was clear. The line between my friends in reality, the ones I write about in here, and my friends in the Blogosphere, the ones I write to.

This line is blurry now, since I was having a drink yesterday with S*, a girl from Zurich who has been reading my Blog and leaving some comments now and then.

The fact only that I met somebody through my Blog is already fantastic. I mean if I had a talk with some guy who liked what I write, that would have been fun too. But now that person is not a guy, it's the cutest girl...

Well, I don't wanna write about how perfect she is, because that will totally ruin my (wannabe-)cool image... wouldn't it?

Let's just say: I think never in my life I felt more comfortable in a conversation.

Then there was something else this week... Can't really remember... Is the World Cup still going on? Was there something?

Seriously, it's sad that Switzerland is out, but Monday night was very cool nontheless. Watching the game on that big screen with all these people. It would have been the greatest party ever...

Group Winner

2006-06-24T10:48:00.000+02:00

As the only team with no goal against we are qualified for the next round. Our goalie who everybody, except me, criticised three weeks ago, is a hero. Alex Frei, criticised by most people after the first game, scored twice in the following games, like I predicted. Sometimes I don't understand how people can change their opinion in one second. It's so inconsequent. But well, everybody seems to be a football-fan now. No matter if they even know how many players are in a team. It's really fun, the party in the streets and everything, but during the games it's so annoying. I can't stand men who don't understand football. It's so sad how they try to be involved. Why not be consequent and don't watch the games if for four years between the World Cups you never watch a game, either? As for the girls, explaining them or even better, their wannabe-cool boyfriends the rules... nice.

Anyway it's fun. Except for the Polish and the Czech, my predictions were pretty good. The Czech had so much bad luck with Koller's injury in the first game and Baros not being fit. The poor Japanes had bad luck too. The game against Australia was just horrible. Three goals in the last ten minutes. But Zico, their coach, is an idiot too. Why didn't he let Oguro play for Yanagisawa who not once hit the ball how he wanted too. And Inamoto wasn't playing as well even though he sure is a good player.

In a few hours my parents are back. Now what did I do these last two weeks? Nothing really spectacular, watching games. I put the TV in the garden. I never knew how cozy it is there. Like the living room, I'm hardly ever in there when my parents are home.

I saw Katie twice. She came over to my house to watch a game. The game was so boring, as were exceptionally many of the games. We were fooling around a bit. Some days later we met for a drink ...and talking. It's not working out.

I kinda like having someone thinking about me, though.

The Swiss matches I watched one at home, one in Winterthur and one in Zurich.

The nicest evening however was when Sweden and Paraguay played. I went somewhere to see it with the finnish friend of mine. At some point S was showing up. Remember S, the only very not annoying friend of him? She was sitting down next to me, because that was the only free place. We were talking a lot about everything, soccer, work... After the game, the others went to play foosball. I'm not really into playing it and they were already four, so S and I were left and she proposed to go to the outside part of that bar. We sat down on a sofa. And talked. This is nice talking. A conversation. About personal and universal topics. Both feeling comfortable. Both are interested in what the other says. And there's joking and laughing.

Aditional to that of course, it wasn't bad having everybody else there wondering why it's me sitting on that sofa with the best-looking girl in the room.

Then the whole bunch of us went to a club nearby. There was also that guy from the party I verbally fought with for that girl then. I start to really hate him. He's such a loser, but he is somehow an aggressiv nice loser-guy. I don't know if he is just nice to everyone (how sad would that be) or just hitting on everyone to get someone through quantity... Anyway I have no problem if he wins the girl, who by the way I've never seen with him again even though I saw him at least three times on a weekend evening after that party, when we're both starting at zero, but if he starts hitting on people I care I'm gonna lose it...

Nothing special happened in the club. But when we were leaving, we were waiting for the others finishing their drinks and that song started playing. A song by the band Aventura which I love. We were at the bar and S started dancing to the song there. I asked her if she wants to go back to the dancefloor and very surprisingly she said yes. So were dancing together, without touching each other, she smiled at me. Sweet.

Now the more exciting part of the World Cup is starting. Live or die. We're playing the Ukraine on Monday.

Birthday Post 2006

2006-06-19T10:17:00.000+02:00

The first week of my being home alone is over. I will tell you later what was going on. There was nothing spectacular, but I was quite active nontheless. I could have done more of course.

I'd say, when my parents are home and I have to give notice everytime I leave the house, I'm about 20% of the active person I should be and want to be. Now I am about 50%.

Birthdays are even worse than New Year's Day what concerns the thinking.

I can't really come up with words for how I feel, though. The whole situation I am in just makes me sad in a way. Life is getting more and more unbearable.

World Cup 2006

2006-06-10T09:54:00.000+02:00

My parents left for South France this morning. I'll be alone here for two weeks!

We won our last UNI-League match with 4:2 on Wednesday. We played very well, I scored once (and hit the post twice)... I so wanted to win this last game.

And now finally the World Cup started. I already told you months ago who is gonna be in the last four, now I'm telling you who I want to be there:

1.Switzerland
Obviously. We have a strong team. Almost everybody plays important roles in the best european leagues. The spirit is there. The defense with Arsenal-player Senderos is strong. The offense with Alex Frei too. Reaching at least the final 16 can't be a problem.

2.Japan
I've always been a fan of japanese player Hidetoshi Nakata. Unfortunately never saw him play live due to various circumstances, but he's a great player. The whole team showed last week against Germany that they are able to play very well. Various team-members are playing in Europe now. It's a good team with possibilities, but I nontheless fear that they won't survive the group phase.

Then:
3.Czech Republic
I always liked the czech team.

4.Italy
Of the favourites, I still like most the Italians. Also for obvious reasons.

And who I like too:
Sweden, The Netherlands and England

My predictions for the groups:

A: Germany and Poland. No problems for the Germans in the group but the they will face England or Sweden in the Round of 16 which will be already really hard and in the Quarter finals they will be out against Holland or Argentina. The Polish lost yesterday against Ecuador which makes it hard for them, but I think they won't lose against Germany.

B: Shouldn't be a problem for England and Sweden. But they both won't go further than the Quarter finals.

C: The monster group. But I think Holland and Argentina will go on. The group winner will even reach the final. The second possibly too. Both certainly in semi-final. Holland against Argentina probably the most spectacular game in the group phase.

D: The most boring group. Portugal and Mexico won't have a problem but for both the Round of 16 will be their last match.

E: Shouldn't be a problem for Italy and the Czech. But who will be second has to face Brasil in the next round. That game will most probably not be won. The group winner will advance to the semi-final. That is why Czech Republic against Italy will be the most important match in the group phase.

F: This is the most open group, for the second place at least. Brasil will win the group and the whole tournament if everything goes normal. Croatia is the favourite for the second place, but Japan and Australia are not to undervalue.

G: Normally France and Switzerland have to reach the Round of 16 in this group.

H: Spain never plays well in tournaments. The Ukraine will be the biggest surprise of this year's World Cup. If Shevchenko is fit.

It's all so exciting....

That I can't handle

2006-06-09T10:50:00.000+02:00

...and I don't want to, either.

If I was in love with her maybe, but...

I know why she needs mental help now. It's horrible. She has every right to get it.

She texted me every day this week. Asked me if I had plans for Saturday. I answered that I had, but we could see us on Thursday.

Which we did. It was a beautiful, warm evening. We took a walk on the lake, sat down on the shore somewhere alone, watching the beautiful colours of the sky. She was talking. That is great about her, there are no awkward silent moments because she just tells me all this stuff. On the other hand we have no real conversations because the only thing she really knows about are her life, family and friends.

I started taking pictures of her with my cell phone. She loosed her hair. She looks kinda cute with her hair loose but she never wears it like this. I kinda expected her to do so yesterday, since I already told her she'd look great with loose hair last Saturday.

We took some pictures of us together. We laughed. We were very close now. She looked me in the eyes and I asked her if she wanted to kiss me. I know that was not too romantic, but well... I expected her to say yes. She answered: Already? I don't know... You don't know? Well, let's find out. (That's a great PUA-line). And I kissed her softly. She was chewing gum, I proposed to share it, you know... It was sweet.

Then she told me what she actually didn't want to tell me so early. Why she wants to go on slowly. Why she is seeing a psychologist. I don't think I can write it in here explicitly, but it happened when she was nine and it's about the most horrible thing that can happen to a 9-year-old.

I didn't know what to say. I just hold her in my arms and kissed her again. This time for real. She liked it.

The only problem is, I'm not the tiniest bit falling in love with her. Of course I enjoyed kissing her, but I didn't feel anything.

I just felt awkward greeting her with three kisses on the cheeks every time we meet like an old casual acquaintance. It's not too early on the third date. A kiss nowadays doesn't mean that much. In my opinion it means less than walking hand in hand through the streets, which we don't. It means less than hugging, which we don't.

I'm not sure if I want to go on slowly. I would have to treat her with damn kid gloves from now on. I'd have to go on dates with her for a long, long time, talking about what she does, no conversations about movies or politics or sports... And she never takes any actions, any decisions. I will have to take every first step.

I need an escape plan.

If I was in love with her, everything would be different, but below the line we have just not enough in common.

But I really do like her. And that's why I'm thinking about what to do so much. I don't want her to get hurt.

If she, and I don't know that, is falling in love with me, we have to stop it right now. That is what I have to tell her. Her past is not at all a factor why I don't like her more, but it is a factor why I want to be honest with her and not hurting her.

She's a nut case

2006-06-04T12:57:00.000+02:00

Well, that was one night like no other before.

I invited Katie to see the soccer game between Switzerland and China in Zurich. I bought the tickets weeks ago, thinking there surely will be someone who wants to accompany me. I just wanted to see our team before the World Cup.

We won 4:1. Not surprisingly.

After the game, around 8pm, we wanted to go have a drink somewhere, instead we sat down on a bench in a park for a while. She started talking. Talking about herself. Her family etc. Didn't stop. Which would be good. She's just so young in a way, and boring, too, in a way. I was just like ..okay... sure... i agree etc... I held her hand. Then she was talking about her seeing that psychologist, and making a lot of progress right now. I was just thinking: What the hell? Way too much information! Here, seeing a psychologist is not like in NYC, if you do, especially at that age, you seriously need it. She told me so much about herself. And I was sitting there being the more sane person on the bench... She must like me. She took my hand when I let go. I thought about kissing her, she wouldn't have mind I guess. But I see no future with her. We could have a good time for some weeks maybe, but not longer, that was clear already on Thursday. And now that she tells me she's so vulnerable, I don't really wanna get involved too much and let her in a mess afterwards. I was just thinking: Where am I going here? I don't know what to do. I'm just too nice, to stop being so nice also means caring less about the girl. Is that what I should do? If she was hot the answer on this question would probably, would certainly be affirmative.

At some point a friend of hers called. She wanted her to come back to Winterthur. I was not thrilled by this idea, I didn't want to run into somebody I know with her and I didn't really want to meet friends of hers, but what the hell... So we went back to that place her friend was. Of course sitting in front of that bar were some people I knew from high school... Her friend had in tow two very pretty friends who all were dressed very fancy, contrary to what Katie was wearing. I couldn't really understand why they called her to join them. She didn't fit in at all. The girls decided to go to the *max club which is the most ridiculous club in the whole town where nobody living in the city ever sets foot in. It's a Mallorca-kinda club. I was cool with it, because surely there won't be anyone I knew and I was going there with four chicks. It was quite fun. The other girls were so friendly to me, I rarely experience that, I think that is social proof. I'm sure they asked themselves why I am there with the least cool one of them, and I asked myself the same.

I thought I would sooner or later settle with someone who likes me, just because of the fact that she likes me. But I'm unable to do that. It's impossible to dance with her, not feeling anything and seeing hot girls all around you... I'm not a very superficial person, but I think I found the answer on an old question: We all know social contact is important to survive. But is any social contact enough or does it have to be social contact with certain persons? I think it's the latter. I think I like being alone better than being with just a random one who happens to be here.

And again I'm not superficial, I'm just not so eager to have a relationship, to have the drama of a relationship, I don't know why that is... I like being alone, but good looks are just more convincing to change my position. I'm not superficial, I'm an aesthete: I like beautiful flowers, waterfalls, all nature, architecture, cars etc.. and girls.

Of course I'm aware that I most probably never will have a hot girlfriend, and I'm totally cool with that.

And of course I don't have to say that looks are not everything. If I connect perfectly with someone, looks don't matter.

All I actually want is my peace. The irony behind my situation now is that I'm meeting these girls from the internet because I don't have my peace, I'm never alone, there's always somebody at home and I'm fleeing that.

Anyway, I was dancing with four girls, two of them rather hot, in the middle of the countryside mob. It was so surreal, but obviously I had fun. Soon Katie had to take the train back to where she lives, though, and of course I had to take her to the station. I was kinda glad when the train left.

It was midnight now and I was not at all in the mood for going home. There was this 90s party in another club and I knew my friends would be there, so I called them. And like I knew it, they were on their way to where I was.

I sat down in front of a shop and waited for them.

And for the better half of the night to begin.

This would be my life, my world and I like it. I'm not an alpha, I'm uncomfortable around girls, but I somehow like it. It is me. Even though I'd like to change a lot about myself, that is who I am.

The 90s parties are an event in town. There were so many people there that I knew. From High School, from Sunday Soccer. S was there with her friend who I now recall as the hot girl I talked to at the Bad Taste Party. It was just perfect. Dancing, drinking, talking, great people, good atmosphere. Even eating kebab at 3am.

I need more of that.

It's not about what you do, it's about with whom you do it.

Katie

2006-06-02T12:21:00.000+02:00

The soccer season is almost over. We lost once more. 4:7. I scored twice. There's just no discipline in our team. I can overlook the limited skills of my team-mates but at least some tactical discipline I would expect. I mean I'm not disciplined when it comes to stuff that only concerns me, either, but if others and especially people I like depend on me being disciplined, then I certainly am.

I met with another girl from the online-dating-site yesterday. And by the way: Who told me these sites are crap?! Better answer or I browse the archives...! That was probably one of the best spent money ever.

Let's call her Katie. She's nice and sweet in some way. It was a successful evening. She seems to like me.
We went to see Mission: Impossible 3. How funny is that! That's just me ridiculing my own life. Going to see MI3 on a first date. But actually she proposed it. She didn't want to see The Da Vinci Code because it seemed her too scary or something... In the end she liked it more than me. Maybe because her movie knowledge is very limited. She didn't know Lost in Translation. She likes Philadelphia, but hasn't seen Forrest Gump... How can anybody not have seen that? You had about ten years time to see it...

She's a typical girl from the countryside. She plays soccer. She is a bit overwhelmed by only my small city. She has barely left the country in the last years. After her education she wants to travel a bit. Namely she wants to see France, England and Sweden. How sweet is that?

But she is talking. Although making a slightly shy and naiv impression she is not quiet, which is good. And what she says is mostly interesting.

Additional to all that, her looks are, well, above average. She's blonde, the proportions are okay and her style of clothing is not country-style. She wears jeans, finally. I can't understand how girls don't wear jeans these days. You can't go wrong with jeans.

After the cinema she went home right away, because she lives outside. But before I even said anything, she told me she'd like to have a drink with me some other time. And this is going to happen.

People would say a first date at the movies is a bad idea, because you spend a lot of money for staring together at a screen and therefor not getting to know each other, but I say it's the perfect first date. The amount of talking before, during and after the movie is totally enough to make your decision. I think when you sit and talk for two hours, your decision on your date is the same after 15 minutes or two hours. And the movie gives a lot of topics to talk about. And for the money, you make a good impression inviting her, and in any way, a nice, stress-free time values more than the money you spend on the tickets...

Point Four

2006-05-26T12:01:00.000+02:00

My biggest problem is that people around me have a huge impact on me. A negative one. Even the closest people around me. They have that image of me that I can't reverse.

I was the boy who watches when others take everything from him and have fun. But that isn't me anymore. I'm trying hard not to be that anymore.

People don't expect me to change.

I am capable of seriously approaching a girl, but not when they are around. They have never seen me do this...

I had these three points I knew would make my life better, lead it into a better direction. Now the next point must be fuck what everybody thinks and do what the new me wants to do and not what everybody expect me to do. Being predictable is anyway an extremely bad characteristic.

I need to become a doer. Right now I'm watching and waiting. And thinking. Thinking got me nowhere. I'm so emotional, why don't I share these emotions, why don't I act emotional? Actually thinking and only that got me where I am right now and it will bring me into a mental hospital eventually... That's also one reason I hate the university so much. Rationality is so useless.

It's all about doing, not thinking. If anything thinking what to do, but never thinking whether to do anything or not. Leaders are measured by their words and deeds. Their words are respected when deeds preceded and follow the words.

None of my friends is a leader, a doer, none takes decisions. We discuss endlessly where to go, because nobody wants or can take a decision.

In the soccer games I am a leader. There are two reasons for that. First and more important, of the eight or nine players I am a major key player. I take the ball in critical situations, I don't lose it right away, I score. When I have the ball everybody can be sure the next shot is not on our goal. And I take decisions on tactics and my decisions are followed.
The second reason is, the people there are less close to me than the people that for example were on the party on wednesday. They don't know what to expect from me.

I admit that recently I'm not that keen on going out with my real friends anymore, because they don't make me feel very well. I think when I said it's better to be around loser-guys because that way I look better I was wrong. Of course when I'm around hot-shots guys in perspective to them I look worse but I still am more confident than with other non-confident people...

I always admire the leaders. I watch Lost, and I admire Jack, Eko and Locke. Because they do, they take the decisions and responsibility and they are respected for that. My friends hate Jack.

Of course my friends are not the main reason for me not being a doer, they helped me much much more than they damaged me. The insatiable source of damage to my self-confidence is still at home. So Point 1A is still leaving home, and that's the indespensable condition for a satisfying end result.

In the meantime I should focus on doing more and thinking less. Not being a coward. Give a fuck what everybody thinks. Doing what is best for me. Even though contradictory, people will like and respect me more...

It's all about respect.

Point 4: Not caring what everybody thinks of me.

I think I'm calling the Boring Girl

2006-05-25T11:56:00.000+02:00

I was very active the past few days. The university goes downhill but the rest is very okay. We lost the two past soccer games. 0:4 and 4:6. I scored three times in the last game, but that matters little.

Yesterday was M's birthday. So as his friends we, that is A, Me and his three (annoying) female friends, decided to create a little book with pictures and stories of what he/we had done the past years. We spent hours doing this, but it was a lot of fun too.

And it was s success. The party we had was cool too. I fought (verbally of course) with a guy for a girl's attention. I lost of course. Nice guys always finish last. But I had fun. I think I'm getting my missing-confidence-issue a bit under control... And I think I should read more about the pick-up-artists stuff... And use it...

Two hours at Starbucks

2006-05-20T10:53:00.000+02:00

So I had that training at Starbucks yesterday. It was from 4-6pm in one of the biggest and most frequented stores of the town. Very stressful, but fun. They wanted me to know how to do the drinks after 15 minutes... And I did as far as I could remember what they told me in such a hurry. Nobody seemed to be really responsible for me. It was fun and I liked it, the time passed by very fast, but obviously I was over-challenged with what they expected from me... So I didn't get the job there. But the manager who already did the interview with me who nontheless I think also quite likes me told me that he would recommend me to other smaller stores where I have the time to learn slowly, where's not that much rush...

I was a bit disappointed of course, but actually even though I like stress and pressure and responsibility, I'd rather work in another store. I prefer having the kind of Fast-Food-job you could do a Sitcom about it. More fun than work, which is more the case in a small Starbucks store with less customers.

It isn't that I need this job. I want it.

I can wait. I had a well-spent day yesterday, I thank Starbuck for that. I enjoyed having an insight in how a restaurant like that works, what there is to do. It was a new experience of which you certainly can't have too many.

Anyway, I hope what the manager told me is not some kind of business-world-code for you're out, because I'd really enjoy working there.

Three points making me happier

2006-05-17T15:53:00.000+02:00

My 3-point-plan is in full action.

Point 1: Another great victory in the UNI League. 6:4 this time.

Point 2: Starbucks called me again. They want me to come for a 2-hour-training on Friday. That's gonna be fun. Things are progressing, I'm pretty excited. Nobody has ever showed so much interest in me. Except for the army, which is why I quite liked it there...

Point 3: I went on a date, yesterday, with another girl from the online-thingy. It is not so bad, that whole system. What is important is to exchange lots of e-mails before meeting, to build kind of a rapport. This girls e-mails however, were rather boring. Actually that boring that after the second one I considered not to answer anymore. Instead I asked her to go for a drink. Just because she wrote me first and I decided to give every girl, that is not plain ugly, a chance.
So we met in Zurich. I was afraid that she was as boring as her e-mails were. If so I had to do again all the talking and that was gonna be terrible. Well, she was. And the picture she had sent me was a very flattering one too. But it was not really terrible. We had a nice talk for about an hour (only), then I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else or... hinting on going back to the station. She took the hint. I was glad. But I actually didn't know if she had enjoyed herself or not. But I didn't think much about it either. All in all I probably was a bit too less motivated.
At least she let me pay.
We walked back through the old town which she didn't know at all. I showed her some nice places, but well... In the end I obviously wasn't gonna ask her to meet again. She however said something like see you soon. And I without thinking a lot said something like Okay, it was nice. Then each of us took his train. Five minutes on the train I got an SMS from her thanking me for the nice evening and hoping to see me again. I wrote back that I was glad that you liked it and yeah why not meet again. I didn't put an effort in finding very nice words. She wrote me back: You didn't? And that, girls, is the kinda behavior that drives most guys away. Me: Don't panic... I already told you that before. Which was a lie but whatever...

Of course I'm flattered that she likes me. Who knows, I might even go out with her a second time, but not on a date like that...

I do in any case think these sitting-and-talking-dates are not the best way to get to know somebody. An action-date, doing something together is much better. But what to do ...on a first date?

I don't plan on getting in touch with her very soon. If she calls I will answer and we'll see... On the other hand: would it be unfair to get her hopes up? I might even break her heart which admittedly for someone like me is a tempting imagination...

All this makes me feel good. It makes me feel worth something, it makes me feel desired...

How much does a soul weigh?

2006-05-09T14:37:00.006+02:00

Fantastic 3:1-victory yesterday! Our best and most fun game so far.

I saw some great movies lately. I'm totally into Woody-Allen-movies right now. Started with Annie Hall of course which is a masterpiece. I love that kind of humor: So Pessimistic, not caring, deadpan. Goes into the Seinfeld direction...

Then I saw Garden State. Wonderful movie. WIth actor/writer/director Zach Braff. He's a damn genius too.

Then I finally saw 21 Grams. I love this kind of movies that make you think, during and after it.

One particular thing makes me think a lot. At some point someone in the film quoted a text passage from the Bible:

Revelation 21,8 says:

But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur.

Now, I didn't know that you're going to hell for being a coward.

I wouldn't say I'm a liar. I sometimes tell the truth more the way I'd like it to be than it really is, but that doesn't hurt anybody. The being coward however...

I mean, not only that it is in one sentence with all these horrible characteristics, but it even is mentioned first.

I don't know if I'm a coward. I certainly don't wanna be one. Nobody wants to be one I guess. Nonetheless many people act likewise. Me too in many situations, I can't control it, it's automatic, and everytime I hate myself for it afterwards. Is that just who I am? For the moment it is, but it was never my own choice, it is who people (my parents) wanted me to be.

Since I was five, I was always told to walk away from problems, to get somebody else to help me, because I can't handle it alone. It's hard to change that pattern of thinking when for year it was hammered into you.

I'm not even a really fearful person. The only thing I probably fear is public embarassment. Also because people didn't gave me self-confidence, but rather made me remember everything that could possibly go wrong.

It's hard to work against that all alone. But I'm making progress.

And then Proverbs 29,25 says

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Trying hard to always remember that, but it's not easy.

An update on another story:

Some Starbucks-guy called me yesterday. Not to offer me a job, but to check on some information. I'm still in contention! Unbelievable...

Sunshine

2006-05-04T11:43:00.000+02:00

We won our second game 8:5 ! I didn't play very well, but scored twice, so not too bad either.

The weather is great at the moment, and I'm in a pretty good mood. I like going to the university, don't hate it that much anymore. There are some nice people there too...

My main motivation to go there, however, is still not having to stay at home. And my main reason to go home is not having to be at the uni.

That's why I'm looking for something serious to do regularly besides the uni. Whatever that might be: sports, girl, job....

The thing with Sweety is over, she doesn't answer my messages... Fuck it: There are other goldfishes in the (online-)pond.

I didn't understand her behavior then and I don't understand it now. She could at least have the decency to tell me. And I mean, for that she was so desperate to meet me/anybody, she seems to be very picky now. Objectively seen, she is definitely not out of my league: I'm way smarter, I'm not poorer (even though she pigeonholed me right away as a poor student) and she's not that good-looking (I may be skinny and not too muscular, but she is not skinny at all if you know what I mean). Don't know about the character, but I don't understand why she stayed there two and a half hours if she didn't like me...

Well that's that. I didn't write that to talk bad about her, just to make my point. I do not at all bear her a grudge.

Another word to my university. According to this study it's the seventh best faculty outside the US and the best in the german-speaking area. Well, not because of me, that's for sure... I guess I should be more proud to be here.

UNI League

2006-04-28T11:46:00.000+02:00

We lost our first Uni League game like 2:10. The others were just better and we didn't play our best soccer. But it was fun. The result is not the deciding fact. For me personally, the event was something meaningful. It was a step into the right direction. To giving my life some purpose.

One third, the easiest one, of my plan is accomplished.

The other two on the other hand...

I wrote Sweety a message yesterday, even though Starbucks of course hadn't called. She hasn't written me back (yet?).
(I should have called her, fucking pussy that I am..!)

Actually with the date, the job interview and playing soccer more seriously I already reached my basic goals for this spring. I thought it would be harder to even accomplish that, and nothing even went really badly...

Trying to go on this way.

Sweety

2006-04-20T13:50:00.000+02:00

Life goes fast sometimes.

Remember I have that online-dating-profile that I never check for messages. Last Sunday however I went on that website and I had a message from a nice girl from my town, calling herself Sweety. Not bad. The message was sent a week before. I wrote her that her profile looks interesting bla bla bla... She replied that she really would like to know me better and she even sent me her mobile number. She was very straightforward. We decided to meet for a drink on Wednesday.

Not bad.

It however confused me a bit that she acted so against all common rules. But I knew she wasn't some russian girl who wants me to pay for her fathers kidney transplantation, because the funny thing is I later remembered that she lives in my town area and actually went to school with my sister.

On Tuesday I got a phone call from some lady who works at Starbucks. She wanted me to come to a job interview the next day. Whoa! I applied for a barista-job at Starbucks like a week before just because everytime I'm in a Starbucks restaurant I see the people working there having a good time and the atmosphere always seems to be great.

Well now I have a job interview and a first date on the same day. Not bad.

Wednesday would have been both my ticinese nonna's and my maternal grandfather's birthday, so the signs were good.

The job interview took place in an actual Starbucks restaurant. It actually was my first job interview ever. So only being there was already a success. I was not really nervous, it wasn't that I needed this job, I'd like to get it but if not... I wouldn't care that much. I never had a job interview but I had lots of oral exams, so I took it like that. I was always good at oral exams.

The people that interviewed me were exactly the way I see people at Starbucks. Extremely friendly, very laid-back.

The first question was the hardest, they wanted me to describe who I am... After that it was easy, I talked to them totally naturally, being all myself actually...

I felt good when I left, but had no idea if I did well or not. In any case it was a great experience.

All that of course provided great stuff to talk about in the evening.

I arrived where we agreed to meet five minutes early, but she was already there. Stupid girl, you're supposed to be five minutes late!

We sat on a table in a cozy bar and talked for two and a half hours. Not bad. In the beginning I did much of the talking, about the job interview, where we went to school about movies etc... I asked her questions. I don't know if she was disappointed or testing me or just not a great talker. The latter would be the worst, I need somebody who can keep a conversation alive because I can't. Well, there were surprisingly few awkward silent moments. The later it got the more she began to talk (and we didn't drink any alcohol). It was nice. I can't really describe her, she is sweet, but in a certain way I don't really understand fully yet. She wasn't as enthusiastic as she was in the messages anymore.

I made her laugh several times, though.

We definitely didn't fall for each other, but I anyway, like her and truely enjoyed her company.

In the end I of course offered to pay, but she refused. I was thinking, that's a bad sign, she sure doesn't want that to be a real date. Then the waitress came and she gave her the money for both mine and her drink. I hate that. I need to do the things a man does. She explained that I'm a student and she is working and earning money (as a saleswoman... no comment). I hate it. And I don't know what that means now. It sure doesn't mean anything because she seems to have no clue of how the basic rules of social behavior are.

Like the friend of mine who gives roses to girls he's not in love with and then wonders why there are misunderstandings originating. Why make life more complicated than it already is?

When we said good-bye I asked her if she wants to meet again and she said yes (not enthusiatically however..).

I have no idea what to do now...

This morning I sent her a text message to see if she got home safely, like I often do. Don't know if girls like that, but I wanted to show her that I did care about her.

Then I called the lady from Starbucks they told me I should call in case I'm still interested. Another very friendly person. She told me that I made a good impression on her people and that they will probably call me next week for further information. She sounded like it's just a matter of time until a matching position will be free for me. Not bad at all!

I don't know why I'm that good at oral exams and improvising in situations I'm not at all prepared to but can't handle a normal conversation with a cute girl....

I think I'm gonna call Sweety the day I hear from Starbucks.

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T11:45:00.000+02:00

I'm doing pretty fine at the moment. I don't hate the university that much anymore. I'm feeling quite good. Things are evolving. I will tell you when anything happens. You know I'm a bit superstitious about talking of things that may or may not be...

Certain is that I'm part of a soccer team that plays in the university league. A friend had the idea to create a team and was looking for good players, so he called me. Our first match will be in ten days... I'm looking forward to this.

Check out this website: A great collection of quotes.

Returning home?

2006-04-10T13:51:00.000+02:00

I was in Ticino for the last three days. For the first time since I left in july. It didn't feel very special. I thought I would be more emotional, but I wasn't. When I think about that year, of course I only remember the good things as it is with everything. Being down there however the not so good things come to my mind too. I still love it and I had a great time. I wasn't at the university though, but I ate dinner in a pizzeria with FS, my best friend from these days...

And I went shopping in Foxtown which is always great.

And I was driving around by car which I love, but am not very often because... well, my parents...

I like watching the truck drivers waiting to get permission for passing on the highway through the Alps. Truck driver has always been some kind of dream job for me. It still is. Your always on the road, always leaving, never staying, nowhere home, driving day and night alone, having fun with others on rest stops for a moment and again driving into the horizon or the dark...

They're civilization's cowboys.

I'm an economics student now, learning to sometime get a well-paid job, but I can totally imagine living a very simple life.
In fact I more and more think the key to true happiness is a humble and moderate life.

Living humble and moderate in Switzerland is hard, especially when no one else is. Being poor in Switzerland is like being in Cockaigne with no teeth, and
living moderately with money takes a lot of self-discipline and conviction. I'm not having that yet...

Sunday Soccer

2006-04-04T13:31:00.000+02:00

University life resumed this week. Summer term is gonna be better than the last. I'm a bit more motivated now.

And I feel better in Summer because every Sunday I get a boost of self-confidence.

Last Sunday this year's first weekly soccer game took place. It was rainy and windy, but the fact that we were out there meant that summer isn't far away...

These two or three hours are mostly the best ones of the whole week. That is because it's socializing without any pressure. Even though I know few people well. You don't have to think about what to wear... And I feel that people appreciate me being there, and I like most of them very much.

And I'm admired for what I'm doing. I don't have to proof anything. In the last two years I gained the reputation of being a good player.

I played so badly last sunday, everybody did, but by just trying two or three tricks you receive applause from people who are already amazed by taking only the courage to try it...

Vienna...

2006-03-28T16:54:00.000+02:00

...or The Days That Shook My World or When My Life Finally Turned Into A Really Bad Soap Opera

Well, last Wednesday I flew to Vienna with my friends M and A to see H who is living there since last october.

Coincidentally when we arrived in Vienna H was at the airport because she had to pick up her grandfather who she is working for. So she could give us a ride to our hotel. We spent the afternoon collecting a (first) impression of the city. It was not breath-taking at this moment but got better with every day we were there.

In the evening then I got the shocking news. We went to a bar, were talking, drinking, having fun until A told me he was gay. I couldn't believe that. You know M is gay too.. Now the two persons I consider my best friends both are gay. I mean if that happened in some TV-Show I'd say that is so unrealistic and uncreative...

I certainly have no problem with the rainbow, but A for years now was some kind of guide, we talked so many times about girls and really straight topics. He was my excuse for not being more active with girls. Now what do I do? But on the other hand there's no doubt he has always been more like M. I can even remember having once said that he was exactly like the gay guy from the movie Mean Girls except he's not gay... Well, now he's exactly like him.

Of course everytime he "lied" to me, he was lying to himself too, I can't reproach him with that, I just think somebody is messing with me. I feel, He who should watch out for me is playing with me...

I mean it's really not funny anymore, couldn't anyone just let me live an easy, normal life?

A lot makes sense now, but for myself it's very confusing, I did so many things with the two of them...

But one thing is very helpful: I know now for sure why I'm not that into the same stuff as them, like karaoke or I don't know...
It's because I'm straight! When I don't want or like to do what they do it's not because I'm not as cool as them, it's because I'm not as gay as them, that is very good to know.

Now that was a lot to think about.

On thursday evening we went to a bar where you paid 18€ what allowed you to drink as much as you wanted. To our surprise it was very classy. We sat at a table on which several bottles of alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages stood. We started with the champagne. That is something you can only do on a holiday.

Then followed part two: M is a big fan of open communication and he loves playing games where you have to ask and answer personal question (which almost always are about love or sex). You can imagine how thrilled I was... Well, as always I answered evasively, so they asked me why I don't like to answer their questions...

And that made me think again.

The main answer is: I am straight! I don't know one straight guy who likes talking this detailed about his emotions, plans, dreams whatever... And I don't think they talk about stuff like that to many other straight guys besides me...

I think at times they tend to forget that I am not gay, and if I learned one thing on that trip it is that I have to act more straight.

The second reason besides male genetics is that I wanna maintain my (fake) self-security. I don't like my personal life very much, I don't wanna talk about it. Being asked these questions I feel cornered and insecure. I don't like that one bit.

I promised them I would open up more, but the more I think about it, the more I think I will never ever even evasively be responsive to any of these "games" because it makes me feel unwell. I should avoid everything that makes me feel unwell...

On friday we took the train to Bratislava, the capital of Slovakia which is only an hour away from Vienna. It was funny. I like Eastern Europe.

On our 4th day we finally made some sightseeing. We went to the Schönbrunn castle, took a ride on the ferris wheel in the famous Prater.
The evening we started at one of H's friend's house playing drinking games with lots of other people. They all were totally friendly, as most Austrians are... Ended up in some bar.

On sunday then we slept until 2pm and left the hotel at 4pm to meet H for a proper Wiener Schnitzel (it was as big as a pizza!).
Then we went to another restaurant where you can play all sorts of parlor games. Personally i think parlor games are lame, this too, is something a bunch of straight guys would never do, but it turned out to be very nice. We had a fun evening playing different games from 6pm to 1am. I'd almost say it was the best day of the trip.

Yesterday, the last day, was again shopping and sightseeing. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

For the next few days and weeks I made some plans and now I'm even more determined to put them into action than before...

Vienna

Stephansdom

Prater

Bratislava

This is my new WorldMap with the four new countries I visited since last June: Norway, Belgium, Luxemburg and Slovakia.

100th Post

2006-03-21T14:24:00.000+01:00

Another Milestone in my Blog career.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Vienna. Spending some days there with friends, visiting our old friend H who is working and living there at the moment...

I'm back on Monday.

Maximum Principle

2006-03-19T14:05:00.000+01:00

I passed four of the six exams I did last month. I'm pretty relieved. My goal was passing more than last year, now I passed two more, so good...

The best mark I got in that theory-course for which I had to write that term paper about H&M. I hated that so much, never went to the classes, I actually couldn't answer a question in the oral exam because the answer wasn't in the book, only talked about in class.

I don't know how I did so well. My paper is so bad. Actually it's not that bad, but it's not what was expected. I had no thesis, my sources were a joke... But my writing style is good, so that might have helped. It was basically like Spielberg: Telling a true story, that however is only inspired by true events...

I really like H&M now, not that I go buying clothes there, but still...

My presentation was pretty good, though (again like Spielberg).

The following oral exam couldn't have been that bad either. I argued about everything with the examiner who was also my teacher in the obligatory exercices. I hated him. Right after the exam he told me in a joking way: Don't let yourself provoke during an oral exam. I like him now.

Another good news: winter seems to be finally over, I'm hearing birds singing...

Swiss Soccer Cup

2006-03-16T12:24:00.000+01:00

This were two sporty evenings: On Tuesday I went to the Ice Hockey Play-Off in Zug. Watching the game against Rapperswil. I still enjoy going to these games a lot, even though everybody else from the old days lost somehow interest in it and I have to go there alone now. Strangely it really doesn't bother me at all. I just stand there in the middle of all the other fans and enjoy the game. If there are nice people standing next to me I talk with them but usually I just enjoy the game without talking to anybody and really don't feel self-conscious about it at all.

This time however there were these teenagers right next to me. And this girl kept talking to me, she began by "accidentally" hitting me with her elbow... It was fun, but well, she was probably like sixteen and would have been surprised by how old I am. I already mentioned that I look much younger than I really am, which now starts to be a big advantage... And it seemed to me that she was slightly orientated to the right. I'm not aware if people wearing a böhse onkels-sweater are still considered to be right-wing or just alternative. Well, I don't approve of that but handle it like George by saying: Kind of a cute nazi though.

Ah.. the game was great too. EV Zug won.

Yesterday then, was the biggest event in the recent sports history of Winterthur. The local team, which plays only in the Second League played its semi-final of the Swiss Cup for which it was qualified for the first times since like 30 years ago. You couldn't miss that. 8000 people were in the stadium where normally about 800 see a regular game. Unfortunately we lost 0-1.
But the spirit was fantastic. Especially before the game, what was going on in the city was unique. And really everybody was there. Afterwards it was a bit different. They prepared that great fireworks in the colors of the club but nobody cared much, it was a depressing scene.
Nontheless the team's biggest success in recent history.

After the game I went to a bar with a friend and we had this discussion about how life is a constant waiting for events like that. I said that is only because we're not satisfied with our everyday life and that the goal in life should be permanent satisfaction with your life. He thinks although if we had everything we wanted we still would be waiting to better things instead of living the moment and he is probably right...

Conclusion: The present is depressing, the future disenchanting...

But I wanna change that: I'm seriously (okay, rather seriously) looking for a job now. But it's hard, not even McDonald's is hiring people right now...

Lone cowboy

2006-03-09T16:59:00.000+01:00

Reading about a "lone boy/girl" sitting there or doing that... always attracts my attention.
The people I admire the most are the lone, but confident persons. In my class last year in Lugano there was this guy. He was not talking that much, he always came to school alone and left alone, but he was no outsider at all. To the contrary he was liked by everyone. He never sat alone in a corner. And if he did he was totally cool about it because it was his own choice. I'm sure he was neither lonely nor alone. I'm sure it was easy for him to strike up a conversation with a stranger. He liked everybody, he greeted everybody, but he was okay with being distant to most of them.

He was the lone cowboy in the big city.

Game

2006-03-09T15:59:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I think I'm sorry for the girl that would have to call me her boyfriend.

The snow is slowly melting away now. I was enjoying it, but not genuinly enjoying it.

I subscribed to an online-dating-site now. All these loser-guys in the Blogosphere inspired me to. And the Internet already helped me solve so many problems, it wouldn't make sense not to try it..
First obstacle: there's multiple of these sites, how do I know which one's the best? And there are not tons of people on this sites like I assume it is when you live in Manhattan... There should be just one Website like this where everybody has his profile. Here a fucking monopoly would for once be useful to the consumer!

I got my first message from some russian girl who probably wants me to pay for her children and get her visa for some European country.

Of course it's easy to make the first step here, but still not that easy... I sent some messages to some pretty girls, which doubtlessly are in the inferiority there. And of course they didn't respond. Now I'm writing to other less attractive girls, just to see what happens. I don't say I wouldn't go out with them. I would probably even connect better with them, but I don't know if I even want to be with someone. I think it wouldn't be that bad, settle with being alone for a while...

But still: Please somebody tell me what are a few lines of text a girl needs to read from a stranger so that she can't resist answering??

I'm reading The Game by Neil Strauss right now. You know the one book about... Great book. I purchased a copy in Brussels and read the first hundred pages in the train back to Zurich. That's a slight advantage to being not up to date to contemporary American cultural works in Europe: You can read a book like that in a public place and nobody knows about it, let alone what it is about.

There are a few good ideas in there, but mostly it's just incredibly well written and hilarious.

My problem is not what to say, but taking the courage to say it.

Well, and I have no wingmen. I have good friends, I love them, but they're losers like me. But hey, that's probably the reason I like them, and they probably like me because I'm a fucking loser like them...

Sometimes I'm even sorry for them that they have to call me their friend. Then I wonder if they feel obligated to hang around with me or if they truely like being around me. I know it's the latter.
Lately a friend asked me where I'm going to watch the World Cup-soccer games this summer. Three months before it even starts he told me where he and others watched it all together in 2004 when I was in the army and that I had to be there too this time....

I think they're much better friends than I deserve and I am far as good a friend to them as they are to me...

The book may teach me how to appear more confident...

I don't gamble on events I'm emotionally connected but if you want to make a lot of money: I tell you exclusively which teams are going to be in the semi-finals of the World Cup:
Brazil, The Netherlands, Argentina and the Winner of Group E (I'd say the Czech Republic, but could be Italy as well).

Brussels

2006-03-05T13:20:00.000+01:00

I'm back from my trip to Brussels. I'm posting some pictures. I didn't take many of them, because honestly the city of Brussels is rather disappointing. Antwerpen and even Luxemburg are almost more worth visiting.

Here in Switzerland now there's tons of snow falling.... Nobody has ever seen that much of snow.

Atomium

Grand Place

Antwerpen

Luxemburg

The Capital of Europe

2006-02-26T18:28:00.000+01:00

I don't know what to write. So many things and thoughts are crossing my mind right now, but I can't put them into the right words.

Tomorrow I'm going to Brussels for some days, visiting my sister who works there as some kind of intern in a hotel. Hopefully, that will clear my mind a bit...

Over

2006-02-23T19:15:00.000+01:00

Well, the exams are over. Can't say that I was very successful, but with some luck... Anyway if I passed three of them, I would have passed more than last year and with that I'd be okay.

Next term I should study more, but go less to the classes. They only tear down my motivation. Okay, staying at home does that too. Basically I go to the classes, because I hate staying home, and I come home because I hate staying at the university... That sucks.

But now I have five weeks of holidays. I try to have as much fun as possible...

Two left

2006-02-20T14:57:00.000+01:00

I think the exams are the most fun part of the university term. Not that I was particularly successful... Today I had the presentation of my paper about H&M. That went pretty good. I quite liked it, too. I had to do it well because my paper is so lousy.

It's a shame that the Olympics are right now. I think I never followed them as much as this time. Switzerland has already eight medals! And our ice hockey team beat world champion Czech Republic and even Olympic titleholder Canada!! Greatest victories of all times... And how I laughed about the golden medal in female Boardercross. To that American girl I say: Go practice...!

Well, of course I'm happy about the Swiss medals but I enjoy performances of all contestants no matter where they come from:

I liked the halfpipe contests with both American winners, I enjoy the Finnish ice hockey team which until now plays the best tournament I can remember. I like Curling. There too the Swiss are very successful, but I also enjoyed the American girls who are extremly young and play with so much fun and heart.

And Torino now, is pretty near to here, that makes it even a bit more special as well...

Five left

2006-02-13T19:08:00.000+01:00

I had my first exam today. I don't know if I did well or not, it was hard. I hate it to be stupid. Damn, I wanted to come back here and be again smart and everything...

When I went to Lugano last year I actually gave up everything that formed my personality: Studying in italian took away my intelligence, being around all those rich kids made me look poor and living around people who don't speak my language prevented me from being witty. But all that was not significant, because there I lacked to a big part also my insecurity, my fear of other people (which is what really forms my personality).

Well, now I'm witty again but what does it serve me when I'm unable to talk to people?

I think about cutting my hair real short, and why not get a job...

One year

2006-02-07T16:34:00.000+01:00

Today one year ago I wrote my first post.

Thank you to everyone who is still reading...

Don't ask me where this quote is from...

2006-02-06T15:33:00.000+01:00

Where do I see myself in ten years? That’s a good question... okay... Well, I guess more than anything, you know, what I would like... I would like the happiness that I have right now... although I guess what're the chances that... I mean you go through your life and you're probably only gonna be able to look back and pinpoint like two or three times where you were genuinely actually happy and then of course in those moments you wouldn’t have even appreciated it anyways because who does, right? So where do I see myself in ten years...? I guess what I would like is I'd like to be right here, you know what I mean, right now in this moment and not because I’m afraid of uncertainty, because I’m not... it's just, you know I was taught that when you have something good, what your supposed to do is you hang onto it, you know, you hang onto it with both hands and if somebody tries to take that from you... what you should do is you should make sure that they pry it from your cold dead fingers...

Children

2006-02-03T12:41:00.000+01:00

If I ever had (to have) a child, I would prefer a girl. Not only because I think I would be an even worse Dad to a boy, but just because I think it's easier to raise a girl the way that with the result both daughter and parents are happy. The parents' job I guess is to provide their child the best possible present and the best possible future. That is a pretty hard job.
I'm no parent and I'm no girl so maybe I'm totally wrong but I think basically if you teach your daughter good values and manners and how to put on make-up she will be pretty fine and be liked by boys and girls alike. And she won't harm society or herself so as a parent you can be happy too.
To raise a boy so that parents and son are happy is way harder. Of course it's possible and I guess lots of parents accomplish that, but just not as much as with the girls. Well, for a boy to be liked by his schoolmates requires more, and for a boy the goal isn't even to be liked, but rather to be respected. Respect is the key to everything. Now, how as a parent do you raise your son to be respected, but still be a good person (You're not going to be respected for being a good, nice person)?

What I see, there are guys who are that way especially at my level of education.
But in the streets I see guys who earned respect by behaving totally antisocial and I see guys who are not respected (by a majority) but behave completely appropriate.
The first part is mostly okay with their lives, but their parents can't (if they care) be okay with their sons. The second group poses no visible problems to their parents or society but they themselves don't like the way their lives evolve.

The solution would probably be: There have to be two strong parents. A mother who teaches manners, a father who is a good role-model. In every case during the day children have to be taken care by either mother or father, not some sort of institution. The main reason for the on-going decline of our society are over-challenged parents. Everybody wants children, but I'd say only about 10-20% of all parents are qualified to be parents.

Because if a child/teenager makes a mistake, behaves badly, does drugs etc., in the end it's always the parents' fault.

Grounding

2006-01-29T13:44:00.000+01:00

This was a great weekend so far. A movies-weekend. I think I've never been to the movies twice the same weekend before. On friday I saw Match Point with a good friend and a bunch of other people who I know but are rather his friends than mine. I was not really in the mood to go out as always these days, but I thought it would do me good. The movie was great. Beautiful Scarlett Johansson who slowly but surely learns how to act too. And I love (Hollywood-)movies that take place in Europe.

On Saturday my parents were away so I had the house to myself (can't believe that this is worth mentioning) and could work in all calmness. I'm writing an essay about H&M, the swedisch clothing company (where I never shop) which is quite interesting. There's so much interesting information out there about all sort of topics that you just never get to know. In a way I would so much like to read more about whatever and be very smart, but then I think: what does it really give me...?

In the evening I went to see the new Swiss movie Grounding with my real friends. The movie is about the financial collapse of the Swissair in 2001. Certainly the best Swiss movie I've ever seen, and very informative even though there's some controversy about what was the reality then and what is additional fiction now. Anyway it led to a nice discussion afterwards about economics and politics. I like discussing with M because he's not only on my wavelength but very smart too, probably smarter than me.

I absolutely wanna watch some more Woody-Allen-movies, especially Annie Hall from which I read some quotes that are all just hilarious and sad and full of truth at the same time, like this one:
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Genius

2006-01-25T16:26:00.000+01:00

Check out the test on this site! If you know 19 of them you're a genius. I needed about half an hour to get nineteen... And I'm not even english-speaking. God I hate it, I'd trade ten of them right away for some self-confidence and social competence...

People keep telling me how horrible it must be to have "lost" a year in Ticino with none of the exams I made there counting anything. I'm told as well that I am back on the right way now... I don't understand it. On the way whereto? That year in Ticino is the one year of my life I can say without a single doubt was not lost. I know, trying to study in Lugano was not the best idea, but leaving home and trying something new was the best thing I've ever done. This is a very useful information on my way... through life.

You know I often describe girls I like as being sweet. Yesterday I saw by chance on MTV Germany a show where Jana Pallaske - Americans may know her as the Camera-girl in Eurotrip (Greatest pure-comedy-movie ever) - was being a guest. She is the embodiment of sweetness. She has a nature and a smile that is so contagious. I was sitting in front of the TV and just smiled. And I'm not talking about funny, she was just telling her story in a way... It's hard to describe: partly shy, but she knows what she wants (she's the singer of a punk/rock-band)... I think that's the best characteristic trait a girl can have: Make me smile by just being normal. Here's pictures from another show with her.

I'm George

2006-01-18T15:43:00.000+01:00

Now I start studying the stuff. I have to make a plan. I was in the library, getting some books for my term paper that I have to write too. I highly doubt that I will pass all six exams, I will however have several chances to repeat them. I just hate it too much. It's so sad, I would love to be a student, I loved it last year, but life as a whole is so complicated here. I don't know if I even want to pass the exams, sure I want to, but that means I have to stay here, living at my parents' house for at least three more years. I'm literally getting a pain in the stomach just thinkling about that. I'm becoming George Costanza...

Speaking of it: Best (Well, what means best? There are ten best quotes in every episode...) Seinfeld-Quote from season 6:

-Did you tell her the truth?
-Yes, I told her the truth.
-As you see it?
-Yes, as I see it.

What I would miss

2006-01-11T14:31:00.000+01:00

Of course I was lying when I wrote that I had no plans. Earlier my dream has been becoming a successful business-man living either in Switzerland or in an important city abroad. But the older I get the more I realize that's not gonna happen. Even if I finished the university I will never be able to do more than an average desk job. That would suck. So I always thought that after the studies I'm leaving for a trip around the world, an infinite journey. Being on the move until I find a place where I wanna stay, but certainly never returning home.

You know that actually I am not the guy to do such an unconventional move, and to be honest it's very doubtful if it's ever gonna happen, but I tried the standard way now, it just doesn't work out. Thinking about it, I should have done more unconventional things in my life, their actual consequences would've hardly been worse than always thinking about them and missing lots of fun...

Anyway, since my university-adventure probably will end earlier than planned, maybe my trip will start earlier. And I figured out where I'm going to start: New Zealand! It's the perfect country. Far away, most beautiful and I guess the people are nice (and there're not too many of them). It's not the cheapest but whatever.
So people from New Zealand: I wanna become a Kiwi, tell me how to do it? Maybe there's a nice Kiwi-girl who wants to marry me...? I'm not broke, but still willing to work, quick-learning ...and I'm treating you like a princess.

Okay no more joking: The last two days I thought about what I would miss in Switzerland. Even though I hate it here, I always have a place where I can go, where I have a warm bed, whatever happens. This is probably the biggest plus here. Then of course Swiss quality in general. Water for example. Nowhere in the world there's better tap water than in Switzerland. But I lived in Rome and Ticino without the general Swiss quality and I was fine. I would miss information, I'm a news-junkie, like knowing about new songs, movies etc.... Of course I would miss some people too, and I would miss playing soccer in summertime. And there are more other things I'd miss that I don't know about yet, or probably there are none...
A change is a change... I certainly will miss less than I'm missing right now.

The end

2006-01-08T13:26:00.000+01:00

Today's the end of the Christmas holidays. Classes start again tomorrow. I hate it. I'm so fucked. There's no way I'm getting out of this unwounded. I need a miracle. Hope I didn't jinx it writing that down, but well... Don't think I would even deserve a miracle.

I know last spring I said that studying in Zurich would be the easiest thing. That was when I was living in Ticino, when I was semi-successful studying in Italian. And when I was pretty much happy. The truth is what I said back in Summer 04 as my reason and explanation for moving to Lugano: I said I couldn't imagine studying in Zurich and that Lugano is the only place in Switzerland where I see it possible to graduate. This statement was based solely on emotions. And emotions are the crucial factor, because, without being arrogant, my intelligence would allow me to graduate everywhere. I have to feel good to be sucessful.
Now I see how right I was with what I said in 2004. Unfortunately it didn't work out quite well in Lugano, so that was it. If not there, I'm not gonna graduate anywhere.

It's obvious that I would like it more at the university if I made some more friends. But on the other hand I'm so sick of all the people. In the last days when I was out of the house I almost fled back after having run my errands. I just can't stand seeing all this people anymore. Don't know what exactly... Their stupidity, their happiness... And my parents at home are not better. I have no place where I feel calm. I'm seriously going insane now.

A friend of mine told me about his plans, that he now has two goals (graduating from his school and losing weight) and that he knows that his life will be getting better after achieving these goals. That's impressing. That was exactly what I did in 2004. I knew my life would get better once I moved out from my parents' house. And I was right.
Now I have no plans anymore. In october I gonna be either far far away from here or... Don't think it will be the university. Only if a miracle happens...

New Year's Eve

2006-01-01T15:18:00.000+01:00

Now I've a lot to say. Not that anything spectacular happened. No kiss at midnight, but still not bad a time for that it was New Year's Eve.

I was so depressed and not motivated to go out yesterday, but it couldn't be worse than staying at home with my parents.
So Me and A first went to the gas station to buy something to drink. It was raining as hell. Nonetheless next we sat down on a (dry) bench in the pedestrial area. Watched the people walk by, drank a bit and talked about what was and what will be, very depressing. But I enjoyed spending some time with him alone, talk between straight guys. After an hour M and his boyfriend joined us and we went to some girl's appartment.
With gay friends people faster think you're gay too, that's the downside of it. But in this appartment the benefits were much more visible. The people there were M's friends, and his friends are girls. When we arrived there were probably eight or ten girls there, not a single guy. So Me and A were the only straight guys there, and while A is probably more fun to be around I'm positive that for more, girls would prefer me. So that's a situation where my inferiority complex doesn't show up because I simply have no competition. So I sat down next to a very, very sweet blonde girl I had never seen before. And I can't remember when I had such a long and intelligent conversation with a strange girl. Well, she lives in America and is only here on holiday, but who cares: It was nice, I think I'm not looking for persistent happiness anymore, 2006 is all about concentrating on being unhappy and having as much happy moments as possible.
At midnight we went back to the town center. I would have prefered to go to a club, but the majority wanted to go to M's house. We sat in his living room, it was okay. The girls and A were dancing to some oldie music. I felt good, but wasn't really in the mood for dancing. I would have maybe if S asked me to, the blonde girl wasn't around anymore, but well obviously she didn't and that's okay... S is so 2005.

So I was sitting there on a chair, really feeling good even though I was not in the middle of the action. There was the boyfriend of one of the girls too. We were just sitting and watching, talking and keeping our dignity. I'm used to the wild behavior, these were my friends, and hell two days ago I was singing karaoke with them, but he was so bored and annoyed and soon was just sleeping on the couch there.

I know I would have been cooler joining the dance and everything and I know people were thinking I was boring, and hell if the blonde girl, I don't even remember her name, fucking stupid me, would have been there I'd have loved to make a fool out of myself, but actually I like (playing) the role of the cool, superior guy more than the clown...

DWTIME Awards 2005

2005-12-31T14:00:00.000+01:00

Best Song:
Sail Away
Hate It Or Love It
Signs
Other Side Of The World

Best Album:
Oral Fixation II
Hide From The Sun
Lost In A Moment
Daniel Powter

Best Music Video:
1 Thing
Bad Day
First Day Of My Life
All About Us (Uncensored Version)

Best Movie:
Sin City
2046
The Interpreter
Broken Flowers

Best TV:
Lost
24 – Twenty-Four
Harald Schmidt
The Daily Show

La vita...

2005-12-29T14:24:00.000+01:00

...sembra una nave già affondata per metà

Gigi D'Alessio in Il cammino dell'età

Outlook

2005-12-27T14:29:00.000+01:00

Well, Christmas isn't what it once was anymore. Especially this year I was so not in a holiday mood. The traditions are nice. Going to our Grandma on Christmas Day and everything, but it's also very depressing. And now there's New Year's Eve just around the corner which is even more depressing. Another year over. A year that brought a lot of happy moments but not really a happy time.

I thought about what was some six years ago and what I thought then about what will be six years from then. Definitely not what is the reality now. I'm very afraid of what will be in six years from now...

Christmas

2005-12-24T11:19:00.000+01:00

A merry Christmas to everybody!

The truth

2005-12-17T12:14:00.000+01:00

In this game called life, my life is outplaying me day after day...

If it was a game...

Rather like H. Caulfield put it:
Game, my ass. Some game. If you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it's a game, all right— I'll admit that. But if you get on the other side, where there aren't any hot-shots, then what's a game about it? Nothing. No game.

Bad Taste

2005-12-11T13:41:00.000+01:00

Saturday night was one of the best nights in the last weeks. Some of my friends were throwing a Bad-Taste/90s-Party. It was real fun. Was something like a costume party, you were expected to wear funny clothes. Bad taste. To be honest, I was a bit offended that I wasn't part of the organization team, but well, I'm not that into costume parties. Pathetic me needs valuable clothes to feel valuable. I guess they thought I wouldn't be very enthusiastic about it. And I don't know if I would have been. In the end I still was a part of it, helping, working at the bar. They were happy to have me there. And I was happy.
But anyway it was a great party. There were a lot of people there. All people we knew, but all from very different backgrounds.
And there were lots of girls, the girls/boys-ratio was like 3:1. But as you know me I can't really profit from that. S was there too. I told her she looked good, but sooner or later she was fooling around with some guy nobody knew. But I don't even care. I was flirting with some other girls. Sweet girls who even stroke up a conversation with me. Fun for some minutes till they went on to some cooler guy. Normal procedure.

By the way: Check out this Blog. He's telling my story. Only that he's living in the world's coolest city and I'm stuck here in the 6th-biggest town of one of the most boring countries in the world.

It's so typical. All these girls... S for sure would appreciate a nice guy like me, but she's just too fucking stupid to understand. Or maybe she's just waiting and filling the time until I'm finally making an effort. And I couldn't blame her.

I totally understand girls who want the guys to make the first move. If he has not even the guts to do that, how will he ever take care of her later? Now I'm very open-minded, but in some matters I'm very pro-tradition too. She has to be able to rely on him...

Could she rely on me...? I'd say yes, but I'm not entirely sure about that...

Soundtrack of 2005

2005-12-07T16:13:00.000+01:00

These are not necessarily the best or most beautiful songs of the year, but the ones that are connected to the most memories.

The beginning of the year:
1. Numb/Encore - Linkin Park/Jay-Z
2. Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Spring:
3. La tortura - Shakira
4. How Would It Be - Lene Marlin
5. Ghetto Gospel - 2Pac/Elton John
6. Signs - Snoop Dogg/Justin T.
7. Hate It Or Love It - The Game/50 Cent

Early Summer:
8. Gasolina - Daddy Yankee
9. Parlo di te - Pago
10.Nur Ein Wort - Wir Sind Helden

My last week in Ticino:
11.Speed Of Sound - Coldplay
12.Solo una volta (o tutta la vita)- Alex Britti (1998)

Summer/Road Trip:
13.Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
14.Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down (2000)
15.Homeward Bound - Simon and Garfunkel (1966)

Late Summer:
16.La camisa negra - Juanes
17.Pon De Replay - Rihanna

Fall:
18.Wings Of A Butterfly - HIM
19.Other Side Of The World - KT Tunstall

Now:
20.Sail Away - The Rasmus
21.Don't Bother - Shakira

You may see the corresponding memories in the Blog archives...

Phone Booth

2005-12-05T14:19:00.000+01:00

Recently, while waiting for a friend, me and another friend were standing next to some public phones when all of a sudden one of them rang. What does one do when a public phone rings? I guess very few people experience this situation. The friend I was with would never answer the phone. He never does anything unconventional. He's an even bigger loser, chicken than me. But he doesn't care, he does not think about it, like I do... Well, he would have let it ring and be.
I at first was so surprised, never would have thought that a public phone could ring. Then I reflected a second about what to do, before I answered it. I thought maybe it's a game or something, maybe I win something. However, the chance that it be a killer like in the movie was very low.
And it wasn't a killer, what probably would have been pretty cool. It was some stupid lady who called someone back who phoned her from that phone booth... But it was funny, something to tick off of the To-Do-List:
- Answering a public phone like a special agent

And on the other hand, that was the high point of my week. My life sucks...

A Novel

2005-11-29T13:32:00.000+01:00

Some time ago, about two years, I had the idea to write a novel. I had/have a great idea for the story, I basically have the entire book in my mind. But I've never found a calm place to write it down. I have a whole notebook filled with notes and I have a first three pages which I never showed anybody, but now seeing that the book will never ever be continued, I can as well publish them. I personally find the beginning fantastic. I wrote that two years ago and still I really like it. But probably only because I know how it's supposed to continue.

Of course it's in German, I'm sorry....
(And to the German-speaking ones: sorry about the grammar, don't feel like correcting it all properly...)

Im Fernsehen läuft Stole von Kelly Rowland. MTV Night Videos. Ich sitze aufrecht im Bett. Die Musik ist dumpf, wie durch einen Vorhang von Rauch. Sechs Stunden zuvor hätte ich wohl mitgesummt, jetzt nehme ich das Lied kaum noch wahr. Ich bin müde, klar. Was bewegt sich nur? Ist es der Fernseher oder das ganze Zimmer?

Die Partys bei xx sind schon lange ein Mythos. Es sind nie viele Leute dort, nur einzelne aus drei Klassen der höchsten Stufe des Gymnasiums, Spass ist trotzdem immer garantiert. Wie so oft betrat ich den Eingang zum höheren Level des Bewusstseins als letzter. Nicht weil ich zuvor noch was vor hatte, sondern wegen dem Auftritt. Daran dass ich das Wohnzimmer aus dem Eingangsbereich noch erkennen konnte, erahnte ich, dass auch die Andern noch nicht lange da sein konnten. Mir wurde direkt alles mögliche angeboten, nur nicht einen Platz zum sitzen. Die Sofas waren natürlich besetzt. Mit einem allgemeinen Gruss, verschwand ich in den Garten. Dort sollte ich meine Buddies treffen: Maurice, genannt Moe sass in seinen weiten Hosen und dem Pullover der Marke, die so heisst wie das erste Wort eines Kindes, am Veranda-Tisch, ein Bier in der Hand. Ihsan übte auf der kleinen Rasenfläche Fussballtricks. Er musste sich nie Sorgen darüber machen, dass der Ball in den Nachbarsgarten flog. Auch seine Jeans, das Polo-Shirt blieben auf jeden Fall frei von Schmutz. Wir schauten fasziniert zu, wie das Licht der Veranda vom Ball und den schwarzen Haaren reflektiert wurde.
„Du Idiot!“ Ihsan kommt auf mich zu. „Warum bist du erst jetzt da? Julia war bis vor zehn Minuten hier! Du mit deinem David-Copperfield-Auftritt ruinierst dir noch alles.... Und übrigens: Egal wann du kommst, es nimmt dich eh niemand zu Kenntnis...“ Ich wusste nicht was ich denken sollte. Ich war erschrocken über den Ausbruch meines ansonsten eher ruhigen Freundes, aber auch verärgert, dass ich zu spät war. Heute sollte doch ein Schritt nach vorn gemacht werden. „Wieso ist sie denn schon weg? Hast du noch ein Bier?“ Achselzucken. Ich nahm mir eine Büchse aus dem Karton unter dem Tisch. „Wer ist denn da?“ Achselzucken. „Wenige. Vor allem wenige Interessante.“ Der Ball ruht wieder. „Weißt du, wenn du niemals einen Schritt machst, kommst du nirgends hin.“ „Was ist das? Ein türkisches Sprichwort?“ Moe war offensichtlich im Alkoholkonsum schon weiter als wir beide. Er machte gute Witze.
„Ich weiss, ich wollte ja heute auch mit ihr reden.“ „Ja klar! Du sprichst jeden Tag mit ihr, nur kommt nichts dabei raus.“ Es war ein Thema, das schon unzählige Male totgeredet wurde, und ich wusste ja eigentlich, dass er Recht hatte.
Julia war meine heimliche Flamme, obwohl heimlich nicht gerade der passende Ausdruck war, denn ausser ihr wusste es praktisch jeder. Ich wäre heute wirklich endlich bereit gewesen ins kalte Wasser zu springen.
Na ja, die Party musste deswegen nicht ins Wasser fallen. Alkohol gibt’s ja noch genügend. Allerdings standen bald mehr leere Büchsen auf dem Tisch, als volle darunter. Moe stellte sich zur Verfügung, im Haus Nachschub zu besorgen. Er kam zurück mit einem neuen Ten-Pack. „Seht her, ich hab noch was Besseres.“ Er begann mit dem Pulver einem Joint zu bauen. „Mein Gott, Moe, es ist Donnerstag, du bist Bäcker, du musst in drei Stunden arbeiten!“ Er murmelte irgendetwas wie, er hätte frei. „Nehmt ihr auch?“ Wir lehnten dankend ab. Die Party war doch ziemlich lasch, aus dem Wohnzimmer roch es auch nur noch nach sinneserweiternden Stoffen. Kein Mensch sprach.

So verbringt also die Schweizer Stadt-Jugend des 21. Jahrhunderts einen Donnerstag-Abend: Sie geniesst ihr Leben. Ihr wundervolles Leben. Mit Sorgen wie, wie man um 2.30 Uhr zu einer frischen Pizza kommt, weshalb die praktische Handtasche nicht zum Outfit passt oder wie man den Champagner-Fleck aus dem Sofa bringt, bevor die Eltern nach Hause kommen. Neben der Frage natürlich, ob Champagner überhaupt Flecken verursacht.
Erwachsene, die das Geld ihrer Eltern ausgeben, um sich zu amüsieren. Alkohol, chinesisches Essen, halb-legale Drogen. Kondome. Wie gut es doch die Millennium-Generation hat. Nach dem Motto: Mir geht es gut, mein Vater arbeitet. Allerdings wissen wohl die wenigsten Väter, wofür ihr Geld ausgegeben wird.
Zukunftssorgen gibt es hier nicht. Jedenfalls keine Existenziellen. Mehr so tipo: Wenn ich heute wieder bei McDonald’s esse, ist mein Kalorien-Limit für diese Woche schon erreicht, was ess’ ich bloss die nächsten vier Tage? Wobei die Frage sich bald erübrigt, weil nach einem Abend wie heute eh kein Geld mehr für nebensächliches wie Essen vorhanden sein wird. Wie fantastisch widersprüchlich das Leben doch ist: Im Ausgang ist immer Geld da. Zeit sowieso. Es gibt ja zwischen 23 und 4 Uhr nichts vernünftigeres als sich zu Amüsieren. Jeder Lehrer wird bestätigen, dass lernen zu dieser Zeit nichts bringt.

Ich muss schon wieder aufstehen. Ich bin alleine. Meine Eltern sind schon weg, arbeiten. Meine Schwestern sind pünktlich zur Schule gegangen. Ich habe die ersten beiden Stunden verpasst. Körperlich geht’s mir schlecht, aber wenn ich an den gestrigen Abend zurückdenke erhebt sich meine Stimmungslage. Mein Spiegelbild schaut mich musternd an. Es sieht meine dunklen, kurzen Haare, meine dunklen Augen, meinen trainierten, aber nicht durchtrainierten Körper. Beige Hosen, ein T-Shirt. Viel Mühe mache ich mir nicht, beim ankleiden, denke ich mir. Was soll’s, ich habe andere Probleme, als meine Kleider.
Es ist ein wunderschöner Sommertag. Freitag, der letzte Tag der Woche. Ich gehe zur Schule. Das Leben ist schön.

Als ich bei der Schule ankomme, läutet es gerade zur zweiten Pause. Ich warte auf dem Pausenhof.... (C)

There's not gonna be more, but maybe I'm publishing some of my notes from time to time....

It's snowing

2005-11-24T18:30:00.000+01:00

I actually would like, even love studying. Being a student and learning, getting to know new stuff. But it's so hard concentrating in this house. I so miss coming home into an empty house. In Locarno I used to study during the weekend, Sunday afternoon. That's just impossible here, when my Mom and my Dad are home. Not that it's that loud or anything, but it's just not a cozy atmosphere.

I discovered the TV-Show Numb3rs. Show business' first attempt to move science mainstream, as a friend described it. I don't know if that's making me more nerdy than I'd like to be but I really admire that mathematician guy. I think being smart is one of the most important qualities you can have.

It's so damn cold now. Winter's definitely here.